Help for the Vulnerable


 I haven't seen this smiley face in the mirror for a while.  Actually, I just started looking in the mirror again over the last couple of days.  That signals to me that my crisis has passed.  Crisis may seem like too strong of a word, but, not that, I am a little on the other side, I feel I want to share.  My goal is to help people check in on those who are vulnerable with their mental health.  I never thought I was really that vulnerable.  I mean, I know I have extreme anxiety and deep clinical depression, but, I have always had the occasional good day, so I never considered myself that vulnerable.  

It sort of snuck up on me and I didn't even realize what was happening to me.  I started giving things away and things that I couldn't give away, I started throwing out.  I was actually pleased that I felt it was a burst of energy that I was doing something. Than, I started packing up boxes.  I am not moving but I started packing like I was moving.  Then, I started re-arranging furniture.  That is when I started to wonder what this was about.  Then, I realized I was organizing furniture so it would be easier to get a stretcher in and out.  That is when I understood what was happening.  I was behaving like someone experiencing suicide ideation.  It was true.  I had begun to check out.  I wasn't watching the news anymore.  I wasn't watching anything.  I wasn't doing anything.  I felt more hopeless than usual.  I questioned my value to anyone.  I had a friend text me to call her because she needed my help.  I ignored calling her.  That is not like me.  I never decline to call a friend who needs my help.  Then, I started thnking about what I would do to develop a plan.  

But, I am also aware that I suffer from wite privilege.  It does play a role in what is next.  I have a great Nurse Practitioner and I was able to call her and talk about it.  I am aware that some people don't have a regular health care provider.  I am aware of what resources are available and I accessed them.  They help.  Significantly.  And, I have a great partner who doesn't accept no for an answer.  He makes me go outside in the evening and drive down Portage Ave to look at the lights.  It is beautiful.  For someone who is seriuosly thinking of checking out, just finding beauty in life helps a lot.  

I am still deeply in depression, but I am looking forward to one day having a good day again.  

The pandemic sucks majorly.  We are all scared for our physical health.  But, it is equally hard on our mental health.  Social isolation is debilitating.  For me, I lost all focus on even read.  If you know someone vulnerable, please check in to see if you can help.  


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