Blog or white ... because it never is.

I have been having a love affair with anxiety for about 15 years. For some of the people close to me, this love affair has been a secret because I am what is called "high functioning anxiety".  This has been hard for me and hard for those who don't know about the affair.  It has been hard for me because anxiety is so much a part of my life that I forget that some people don't know that I live with anxiety and it affects me every day.  This is hard for those who only see the "high functioning" part of me.  They see that I can do many things that other people can't.  I can speak publicly; I can advocate for anyone (except me); and I am unabashed and unafraid. These people think that I am faking being ill.  Actually, they are completely wrong.  I have been actually faking being well.  They don't know that I have to bargain with my anxiety to present well in certain situations.  They don't know what I have to give up to present well.  They don&

I had the most wonderful surprise today.  A love letter and not just a love letter, but the ultimate love letter.  My love put a love letter for me to find in a place where I was sure to find it.  In a spot where I go to several times a day, and I found it.   It was a complete and wonderful surprise and he knocked it out of the park.  Quite frankly, I love my guy more than anything, but, he is a bumbling idiot.  (It`s ok.  He knows.)  So, I really expected to be a little disappointed in the letter but it was wonderful, every word was meaningful and it reduced to me tears.  I`ve read it about 15 times already.   I can`t believe he wrote it, it is so perfect.   Well, he had a confession to make.  He had help.  He went online and researched how to write a great love letter.  He showed me the five pages of tips that he found.  That made me even happier.  Remember when I said he was a bumbling idiot.  Well, one of the things that I have been trying to drill into his head is that if h

Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey yesterday.  No actual reason, of course.  Why would he need that, he's Trump and likely has dementia.  He probably has periods where he still thinks he is in a Reality TV Show.  Comey, you're fired.  And then he turns to Ivanka and Donald, Jr.  to justify his decision.  Really what are they going to say.  You're right, dad.  Some analysts are saying this is the worst Presidential action since Nixon.  Well, I've been watching the news shows.  I have seen over four hours of coverage that rarely things have been repeating.  The story is that surprising and intriguing.  All that makes sense to me is that under Comey's leadership, the FBI were on the verge of a direct correlation between Russia and the election result. However, what also makes sense to me is that millions of Americans are breathing a heavy sigh of relief.  Not about Comey, of course.  No one could really care less.  What Americans do care about is that this w

I think most of our mommas gave us the advice that if we can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. When we were young, that seemed fairly black and white.  If we didn't have a compliment for someone, we should be silent.  As we age, that advise seems harder to follow. The easiest example that reflects this dilemma is when you have a friend who wears something proudly that doesn't flatter her.  How do you tell someone, yes, you do look fat in those pants?  Well, it depends on a number of factors.   If you are a casual friend or a new friend, that will probably put the brakes on that friendship.  You don't have enough "friend equity" to make such a statement.  What happens if you are a good friend?  Don't you have a responsibility to tell your friend this?   Now, that's complicated.  I don't ride the bus very often but every time I do, I see a woman dressed in such a fashion that I can't help think, "doesn't that woman

I love ramen noodles. I rarely eat them anymore, but I remember a time in my youth where I might have eaten them 6 times a week.  By choice.  When I was a University student, or even when I was young adult in my first job, I used to love eating ramen noodles.  I used to budget spending $40/week on groceries.  For 6 days of the week, I tried to live on less than a dollar a day.  That sounds like nothing, but it was actually a lot of money.   Ramen noodles were about $.19/package and this was my dinner.  Sometimes I could buy a case of noodles on sale and it would work out to $.11/package. That would be my dinner and leave me with $.89 left.  A lot of money.  I would have a piece of fruit for breakfast.  Usually an orange, sometimes a grapefruit, some grapes, sometimes a banana. Whatever was seasonal and whatever was the best value.  Lunch also gave me options.  I would have two hard boiled eggs.  Sometimes cans of tuna would be on sale so I could have half a can with two mashed eggs

A long time ago, a friend got me a present.  She got me a gift certificate for a tarot reading.  It would be my first time.  I told my friend that I probably wouldn't use the certificate since I didn't believe in that sort of thing and she should use it herself so it wouldn't be wasted.  My friend was hurt.  She explained that she went to the trouble of giving a gift and I shouldn't be such a snob to not use it.  By not using it, she said, I would be insulting our friendship.  She was right.  If someone cares enough about you to share something of themselves, we should cherish that.   That is why I have some pretty tacky trinkets in my home.  They are not my style and they don't go with anything, but someone I love took time out of their lives to give to me, so I automatically love them. The truth is I didn't want to go because I didn't believe, the truth is that I didn't want to go because I did believe.   My mom had gone to a tarot reader years ago

Years ago, I dated a famous man.  How famous?   Well, once a year, an event happens that he is uniquely qualified to comment on and he comments on this event in both major newspapers in my province.  But, he really felt he was the big deal.  He felt like a celebrity and as a result, told me how fortunate I was to be dating him at every opportunity.  Actually, he told me in his actions rather than his words, that he was above me.  He had an air of superiority and that was evident not in how he treated me, but how he treated wait staff, etc.  Actually, he may have treated me badly, I just don't remember, but I sure remember how he treated others. Nothing really happened to end the relationship.  I just stopped returning his calls and emails. I didn't have any interest in a relationship with someone that arrogant who only talked about himself and didn't take any time to get to know me. As it happens, we found each other at the same place and the same time a few days ag