If you can't say anything nice......
I think most of our mommas gave us the advice that if we can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
When we were young, that seemed fairly black and white. If we didn't have a compliment for someone, we should be silent. As we age, that advise seems harder to follow.
The easiest example that reflects this dilemma is when you have a friend who wears something proudly that doesn't flatter her. How do you tell someone, yes, you do look fat in those pants? Well, it depends on a number of factors. If you are a casual friend or a new friend, that will probably put the brakes on that friendship. You don't have enough "friend equity" to make such a statement. What happens if you are a good friend? Don't you have a responsibility to tell your friend this? Now, that's complicated. I don't ride the bus very often but every time I do, I see a woman dressed in such a fashion that I can't help think, "doesn't that woman have any friends?" Whether you tell that friend that "they look fat in those pants" depends on a number of factors. They are some that would suggest that if you are a real friend, you would tell her. Others would suggest that if you are a real friend, you wouldn't notice. Others would say it depends on how they rock those pants. If it increases their self-esteem and they are more confident in those pants, then don't burst their balloon.
But, what happens in the workplace? What if you have a co-worker that you really can't stand to be around? What happens if that co-worker asks you for feedback on their latest project? You have nothing nice to say so how do you stay silent? Well, the shame for that is on you, not on the co-worker. Everyone has good qualities and everyone has something to contribute to your life. If you really have nothing nice to say, then you are too closed-minded and are not looking hard enough. The answer is simple, find something nice to say. This will not benefit the person so much as it will benefit you. Start looking for the positive. You will be a much better person.
What happens if you are a friend in a bad relationship? Do you ever advise that it is time to end that relationship? Absolutely not. If you feel it is your moral obligation, you focus on the actions of the partner who is causing hurt, but you never say that person is not a good person. A good friend would never ask someone to choose between a friendship and a partner.
How do you deal with someone whose momma obviously never gave him this common sense advise? Well, for the most part, you need to feel sorry for this person. We all know Debbie Downers and they are not fun to be around. They essentially repel everyone around them who doesn't share their negative outlook.
Easier said than done. What do you do when one of these Negative Nellie's has said something not nice about you? I'm dealing with this right now for real. I'm getting married. One of my chosen one's friends has told us that he will attend the wedding despite the fact that he doesn't like me and he thinks my partner is making a mistake in marrying me.
Deep cleansing breathe. It would have been so much easier if his momma would have told him the same thing that every other momma says before you start school. If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all. But, I guess his momma taught him something different. His momma told him that he was so important that he should speak his mind no matter who it hurts.
I'm not exactly stupid. I knew this friend of my partner's was not President of my Fan Club. I was okay with that because it was mutual. However, we don't have anything in common than my partner. I would never seek out an opportunity to tell someone that I didn't like them. Especially someone, I have only met a handful of times. If I had never taken the opportunity to get to know someone, I would never assume that they were not a good person.
It is even more complicated when you are dealing with a Bridezilla. The Bride, rightfully or wrongly, thinks that this is her one day. It is the Bride's Day. The Bride puts a lot of her heart in having things her way. The one day that Bride's don't want to compromise. I am no different and, frankly, I don't want anyone in attendance who doesn't think I'm special. I want everyone there to go ga-ga over my dress. I want to dance to my favorite songs like I am Queen B. I want my 80s hair to be accentuated highly and I want everyone to think I'm beautiful. I know if this guy is in attendance, he will be a magnet for me. I won't enjoy my day because all I will think is that this guy is not liking me.
Why? Why? Why couldn't his momma have taught him that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?
Life is complicated. We all have situations which cause us distress. We never really know what burdens one is carrying with them that causes their actions. Usually only someone who is hurting will want to hurt someone else. It never solves anything. It just add to hurt.
I think the more complicated life is, the more we need to retreat to common sense and make that common sense common practice. It really is simple. Be kind. Be kind despite the fact that you don't feel like being kind. Be kind anyway. Be kind to people that you don't think deserve it. Just, be kind. The more kindness you put out to the universe, the more kindness will come back to you. Maybe sometimes it is harder to be kind to someone who has hurt you. Try even harder. If you don't think you can do it, fake it till you have made it. Just. Be. Kind.
When we were young, that seemed fairly black and white. If we didn't have a compliment for someone, we should be silent. As we age, that advise seems harder to follow.
The easiest example that reflects this dilemma is when you have a friend who wears something proudly that doesn't flatter her. How do you tell someone, yes, you do look fat in those pants? Well, it depends on a number of factors. If you are a casual friend or a new friend, that will probably put the brakes on that friendship. You don't have enough "friend equity" to make such a statement. What happens if you are a good friend? Don't you have a responsibility to tell your friend this? Now, that's complicated. I don't ride the bus very often but every time I do, I see a woman dressed in such a fashion that I can't help think, "doesn't that woman have any friends?" Whether you tell that friend that "they look fat in those pants" depends on a number of factors. They are some that would suggest that if you are a real friend, you would tell her. Others would suggest that if you are a real friend, you wouldn't notice. Others would say it depends on how they rock those pants. If it increases their self-esteem and they are more confident in those pants, then don't burst their balloon.
But, what happens in the workplace? What if you have a co-worker that you really can't stand to be around? What happens if that co-worker asks you for feedback on their latest project? You have nothing nice to say so how do you stay silent? Well, the shame for that is on you, not on the co-worker. Everyone has good qualities and everyone has something to contribute to your life. If you really have nothing nice to say, then you are too closed-minded and are not looking hard enough. The answer is simple, find something nice to say. This will not benefit the person so much as it will benefit you. Start looking for the positive. You will be a much better person.
What happens if you are a friend in a bad relationship? Do you ever advise that it is time to end that relationship? Absolutely not. If you feel it is your moral obligation, you focus on the actions of the partner who is causing hurt, but you never say that person is not a good person. A good friend would never ask someone to choose between a friendship and a partner.
How do you deal with someone whose momma obviously never gave him this common sense advise? Well, for the most part, you need to feel sorry for this person. We all know Debbie Downers and they are not fun to be around. They essentially repel everyone around them who doesn't share their negative outlook.
Easier said than done. What do you do when one of these Negative Nellie's has said something not nice about you? I'm dealing with this right now for real. I'm getting married. One of my chosen one's friends has told us that he will attend the wedding despite the fact that he doesn't like me and he thinks my partner is making a mistake in marrying me.
Deep cleansing breathe. It would have been so much easier if his momma would have told him the same thing that every other momma says before you start school. If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all. But, I guess his momma taught him something different. His momma told him that he was so important that he should speak his mind no matter who it hurts.
I'm not exactly stupid. I knew this friend of my partner's was not President of my Fan Club. I was okay with that because it was mutual. However, we don't have anything in common than my partner. I would never seek out an opportunity to tell someone that I didn't like them. Especially someone, I have only met a handful of times. If I had never taken the opportunity to get to know someone, I would never assume that they were not a good person.
It is even more complicated when you are dealing with a Bridezilla. The Bride, rightfully or wrongly, thinks that this is her one day. It is the Bride's Day. The Bride puts a lot of her heart in having things her way. The one day that Bride's don't want to compromise. I am no different and, frankly, I don't want anyone in attendance who doesn't think I'm special. I want everyone there to go ga-ga over my dress. I want to dance to my favorite songs like I am Queen B. I want my 80s hair to be accentuated highly and I want everyone to think I'm beautiful. I know if this guy is in attendance, he will be a magnet for me. I won't enjoy my day because all I will think is that this guy is not liking me.
Why? Why? Why couldn't his momma have taught him that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?
Life is complicated. We all have situations which cause us distress. We never really know what burdens one is carrying with them that causes their actions. Usually only someone who is hurting will want to hurt someone else. It never solves anything. It just add to hurt.
I think the more complicated life is, the more we need to retreat to common sense and make that common sense common practice. It really is simple. Be kind. Be kind despite the fact that you don't feel like being kind. Be kind anyway. Be kind to people that you don't think deserve it. Just, be kind. The more kindness you put out to the universe, the more kindness will come back to you. Maybe sometimes it is harder to be kind to someone who has hurt you. Try even harder. If you don't think you can do it, fake it till you have made it. Just. Be. Kind.
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