The Company You Keep (The Biggest Mistake of my Life)
A few days ago, there was a picture of Stan Struthers in the Winnipeg Free Press. It was almost half a sheet of paper. There have been allegations that he was sexually inappropriate while he was in the Manitoba Legislature. He represented my home town of Dauphin for over a decade. I have never met the man, but I believe the allegations against him. Not only because I don't believe that many women would make this up, but because of the company he keeps. I know (or used to know) a man who calls Stan a friend. I used to hear a lot from him how wonderful Stan was and what a great guy he was.
This friend of Stan's was the one who I made the biggest mistake of my life with. I had an affair with a married man, something I swore I never would do. It was my mistake and I take full responsibility for it. But, with every monumental mistake, it doesn't just happen, it is a process.
It is hard to know when my process started, but I think it started when I was in Grade 9. He said it started when we were in Nursery School together, but I don't remember that. I do remember 9th grade and this guy had a little crush on me. He was the type of guy that I wouldn't even give a second look, too. But, then a commercial came out with a cartoon character. The cartoon was named his first name and the first initial of his last name. The character had a few of the same features of him and I remember one of my classmates did a great impression of this guy morphed into this cartoon character. I remember laughing behind his back. Then, I remember feeling guilty. I never gave him any reason to believe his crush was reciprocated, but I became cordial with him because I felt guilty.
At the time, my best friend was my father and I thought he was perfect. I can't remember my dad saying an unkind word about anyone - except this guy's dad. The man had a limp and had difficulty keeping a job and supporting him family. I would have thought my dad would be compassionate towards him but every time we saw him, my dad said that he was good for nothing and lazy.
I was aware his crush continued all through high school but I was too busy to give him a second thought.
When we became young adults, he wooed me like no one else ever did (or would). I knew that he would be successful and I knew that my life would be easy so I did everything in my power to try to like him that way, but I just couldn't. I just didn't feel that way towards him. But, we did have a lot in common and became good friends. One of the things we had in common was we both worshiped our fathers. I was very honest with him that nothing would ever happen between us and he was equally honest that someday something would.
I got married and I invited him to my wedding. He didn't come to my wedding but he did send me a note saying it wasn't over between us.
I had no further contact with him for over 8 years. At that point, I was at the lowest of lows in my life. I don't want to go into too many specifics but I was separated and going through a bitter custody battle; I was diagnosed with PTSD and trying to navigate myself through the Injustice System; I was essentially broke, and I had debilitating panic attacks every hour some lasting the whole hour. Generally, life sucked and nothing seemed to be working for me, not medication, not counselling, nothing. The biggest thing was I was afraid all the time and I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't think of anything to do, so I thought of this guy. Basically, I knew that he would remind me of who I used to be, he would remind me that I had good qualities; that I used to be an object of desire. I felt just getting a compliment would be helpful in my life.
I phoned directory assistance in Dauphin and there he was, listed. I phoned the number and his wife answered and I asked to speak to him. She was reluctant to do so and she screened me. I said I was an old friend from high school. She gave him the phone. He went outside and the first thing he said to me was that I was a couple of months too late. That his daughter had just been born. Prior to this he had a son and he would have left his wife in a heartbeat to be with me, but with two kids, he didn't think he could. WHOA. I wasn't calling to change his life, I was just calling for someone to talk to and for a compliment. He gave me a compliment and took down my phone number and gave me his cell number. Given the vibe I got from his wife, I didn't think I would be calling again.
Well, he called me, the next day and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and every day for a long time. I literally had nothing going on in my life so I kept answering the phone. For the first month it was entirely platonic. We would talk for hours every day. He said he worked about 12-15 hours a day so he was always at work and he did a lot of travelling so when he was on the road, I was his travelling companion instead of the radio. Between appointments, he would only have 5 minutes, but he would call me during that time.
I now see those phone calls for what they were. He was grooming me and he was also making sure I was home 24 hours a day not interacting with anyone else so he was taking control of my life.
One thing he helped me with was that he made me fall asleep. Sleep was a concept that I had forgotten about and now he was calling me at 10 pm when I was already in bed and he would just talk. He would talk about his memories of me. He would tell me about Dauphin. Sometimes, he would read to me. For whatever reason, I would fall asleep after about 30-40 minutes and sleep through the night. Having sleep made me feel alive again and I attributed this to him. I was extremely grateful and kept wondering how I could return his kindness. It turned out he had some ideas.
He started telling me about his wife. He called her stupid. He told me how he met her. He said my wedding was like someone hitting him in the gut, but he still had hope that I would end the marriage and come running to him. Then, he noted that my father died and when he read the obituary there was a mention of my husband. He felt then that if this man had been with me through the tragedy of losing my father, then I would never leave him. He said he drank for a week realizing he would never achieve his goal of becoming married to me. After that, he asked out the first woman that crossed his path. At the time, I believed him. Now, I know that I shouldn't have believed a word he said.
After spending a month telling me how horrible his marriage was, he then spent a month telling me how he was king of my beloved Dauphin. He was friends with everyone, everyone loved him, he was the most successful man in Dauphin, he lived in the biggest house in Dauphin, etc. After a month of that, he indicated that there was only one thing missing in his life, his Queen.
I was vulnerable and arguably not in my right mind and I was buying what he was selling hook, line, and sinker.
I remember telling my friend Nancy that I felt I was having an affair, even though we only had phone contact. I joked with her that if \I was having an affair, I should be having more fun. My friend Nancy commented that it was the first time I had laughed in months.
From that point, he became more explicit and more forthright that he wanted a future with me. He suggested a meeting. It took me a long time to agree to meet him. After all, he was married so I would never. On the other hand, this man gave me the gift of sleep. Also, I know from past experiences that reality never lives up to the fantasies we create in our minds. This guy had a fantasy about me that had endured for about 2-3 decades. I felt I would be doing him a favour. He would realize the reality of me wasn't anything special, and he could move on. I decided to meet him.
We were to meet in Wpg on a Sunday at 4:30 pm at a hotel. I arrived exactly on time and he hadn't checked in yet. A sign that this was a mistake. I left a message that I was going to the bar across the street. I arrived at the bar and it turned out it wasn't open till 5, but the staff setting up service said that I was welcome to wait and that having such a pretty woman sitting in the window would be great for business. I said I would be back at 5 and left. I went to my van and contemplated driving away, then I went for a cold walk. I should have left, but I didn't. At about 5:15, I re-entered the bar. The waiter met me at the door and told me that my gentleman friend was waiting for him but I was way out of his league but he would be happy to join me for a drink later. I laughed. Across the room was this man that I hadn't seen in a decade. He had definitely changed since the last time I saw him; he looked worse. He had a gut, his face was scarred with acne and more wrinkles than he should have, But, there he was, all 5 foot 3 inches of him and I don't know why but my knees felt weak. He pulled out all the stops, including showing me a picture of me that he had in his wallet. I was in Grade 9 and I was in a bathing suit sun-tanning. He said he carried this picture of me everywhere he went. I was the woman of his dreams.
I probably should have found all of this creepy but I was completely seduced. Again, I was in a highly vulnerable state and likely legally incapable of giving consent.
That night is when the affair started. It did nothing to slow down his pursuit of me. He actively planned my future. I would leave my home of 13 years and move a province away to be with him. He convinced me that he was going to be my knight in shining armour and he would take care of me forever. He convinced me to put my house up for sale and uproot my children.
I don't know why I was so stupid. It was like he followed a manual for sexual predators but I didn't see it. He groomed me for several months and then took control of me by convincing me I was nothing without him.
Once my house sold, he started back-tracking and said it would be best for me if I just moved to Dauphin and that he and his wife separated and then we started dating after that. Since I didn't have a house anymore, I was sort of pot committed to moving to Dauphin. He never helped me one little bit in this venture giving me the excuse that he was so high profile that any help would raise suspicion and he was only thinking of me; he didn't want to have the reputation of the "other woman". My aunt found me the perfect house to rent.
So, there I was in Dauphin and having little contact with him. He also told me not to have any contact with people we went to school with because I might accidentally slip details of the affair and that would hurt my reputation. He was only thinking of me, of course.
I told my aunt about him while we were having a glass of wine in her hot tub. She listened to my whole story and didn't judge, but then, she told me that she had heard bad things about him. She wouldn't elaborate. I was alone and had few people to talk to even though I knew practically the whole town. I talked to my Nana, who had been my babysitter basically all of my life that I needed a babysitter and I told her that I would be eventually moving in to his mansion. "You mean that barn?" she said. She told me that she was glad that my father had passed so he didn't have to live through me being with this man. Well, I knew my dad wouldn't approve, but he would also want me to be happy. She told me my dad would want me to happy and he would know it would be impossible for me to happy with him.
Time passed. I was isolated and felt powerless and looked forward to the minimal time he spent with me. He started to de-groom me and he started calling me stupid and convinced me that I was nothing without him. He always had an excuse why the timing was wrong for him to leave his wife.
Finally, he sent his wife and children away. They left town. He was deeply emotional that night so he wanted his privacy but he would drop off a key to the house in my mailbox on his way to work so I could go and see the house for the first time. He advised me to park a couple of blocks away. It didn't occur to me to ask him if he was ashamed of me.
I entered the home for the first time and my Nana was right. It was a barn and a filthy one at that. Filth. How could they raise a baby in this unhealthy environment? There was a great deal of natural wood that had looked like it had never been cared for. The fridge and freezer were full, but there wasn't a single fresh ingredient. I felt sorry for his wife. The woman who lived in this house was obviously depressed. She was a victim. He probably had control of her since she didn't work and he convinced her she was stupid and nothing without him. Like I was feeling.
Well, I was going to make the best of this and decided I needed to clean this place up. Other than going to buy cleaning supplies, I worked for 8 hours straight and only finished the kitchen. He came home and said it was a very emotional night for him and he wanted to be alone. I understood.
The next day I spent another 8 hours cleaning. I found some unfiled papers in the dining room. I didn't snoop through them, but the top papers of each pile indicated that he probably didn't have as much money as he claimed. Again, he came home and wanted to be alone.
Another exhausting day of cleaning followed and I made it upstairs. The first thing that I saw was his father's obituary on a dresser. It was laminated like mine and I could tell he wrote it. He listed all of his father's jobs and the dates of each. It was a long list, but one job caught my eye immediately.
As if was destined, he came home at the exact time I was reading the obituary. I told him I was surprised that his father worked for the same federal government agency that my dad did. In fact, my dad was transferred to Dauphin to manage that department the year his father stopped working there. I was surprised that this mutual employment had never come up.
That is when he told me a number of things. He said that my dad fired his dad shortly after arriving in Dauphin. He said that ruined his dad's life. He was never able to get a good paying job after that and had many periods of unemployment which led to depression. He said his mom was forced to go to work to support the family. He said he always vowed revenge against my dad, but when he realized it wouldn't be possible, he thought the next best thing was to ruin my life. He also told me I wasn't special in any way. He had had affairs before and I likely wouldn't be his last. He also told me to get out because he had already called his wife to reconcile and she would likely be home in an hour. He told me the final decision was that he didn't want his kids to end up like my kids. What was wrong with my kids? They are poor, he said.
I left, broken. There were so many red flags that this affair was all about power and control. It took me a long while to muster my personal affairs to be able to leave Dauphin. I know it was my mistake and my shame remains. That is the worst consequence for me. I feel nothing but shame in the town that I grew up in. I can't even drive through the town without covering myself. I can't visit my father's final resting place.
This was the man who called Stan Struthers a close friend. I believe the women who have accused him. It is because the company that he keeps.
#TimesUp
This friend of Stan's was the one who I made the biggest mistake of my life with. I had an affair with a married man, something I swore I never would do. It was my mistake and I take full responsibility for it. But, with every monumental mistake, it doesn't just happen, it is a process.
It is hard to know when my process started, but I think it started when I was in Grade 9. He said it started when we were in Nursery School together, but I don't remember that. I do remember 9th grade and this guy had a little crush on me. He was the type of guy that I wouldn't even give a second look, too. But, then a commercial came out with a cartoon character. The cartoon was named his first name and the first initial of his last name. The character had a few of the same features of him and I remember one of my classmates did a great impression of this guy morphed into this cartoon character. I remember laughing behind his back. Then, I remember feeling guilty. I never gave him any reason to believe his crush was reciprocated, but I became cordial with him because I felt guilty.
At the time, my best friend was my father and I thought he was perfect. I can't remember my dad saying an unkind word about anyone - except this guy's dad. The man had a limp and had difficulty keeping a job and supporting him family. I would have thought my dad would be compassionate towards him but every time we saw him, my dad said that he was good for nothing and lazy.
I was aware his crush continued all through high school but I was too busy to give him a second thought.
When we became young adults, he wooed me like no one else ever did (or would). I knew that he would be successful and I knew that my life would be easy so I did everything in my power to try to like him that way, but I just couldn't. I just didn't feel that way towards him. But, we did have a lot in common and became good friends. One of the things we had in common was we both worshiped our fathers. I was very honest with him that nothing would ever happen between us and he was equally honest that someday something would.
I got married and I invited him to my wedding. He didn't come to my wedding but he did send me a note saying it wasn't over between us.
I had no further contact with him for over 8 years. At that point, I was at the lowest of lows in my life. I don't want to go into too many specifics but I was separated and going through a bitter custody battle; I was diagnosed with PTSD and trying to navigate myself through the Injustice System; I was essentially broke, and I had debilitating panic attacks every hour some lasting the whole hour. Generally, life sucked and nothing seemed to be working for me, not medication, not counselling, nothing. The biggest thing was I was afraid all the time and I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't think of anything to do, so I thought of this guy. Basically, I knew that he would remind me of who I used to be, he would remind me that I had good qualities; that I used to be an object of desire. I felt just getting a compliment would be helpful in my life.
I phoned directory assistance in Dauphin and there he was, listed. I phoned the number and his wife answered and I asked to speak to him. She was reluctant to do so and she screened me. I said I was an old friend from high school. She gave him the phone. He went outside and the first thing he said to me was that I was a couple of months too late. That his daughter had just been born. Prior to this he had a son and he would have left his wife in a heartbeat to be with me, but with two kids, he didn't think he could. WHOA. I wasn't calling to change his life, I was just calling for someone to talk to and for a compliment. He gave me a compliment and took down my phone number and gave me his cell number. Given the vibe I got from his wife, I didn't think I would be calling again.
Well, he called me, the next day and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and every day for a long time. I literally had nothing going on in my life so I kept answering the phone. For the first month it was entirely platonic. We would talk for hours every day. He said he worked about 12-15 hours a day so he was always at work and he did a lot of travelling so when he was on the road, I was his travelling companion instead of the radio. Between appointments, he would only have 5 minutes, but he would call me during that time.
I now see those phone calls for what they were. He was grooming me and he was also making sure I was home 24 hours a day not interacting with anyone else so he was taking control of my life.
One thing he helped me with was that he made me fall asleep. Sleep was a concept that I had forgotten about and now he was calling me at 10 pm when I was already in bed and he would just talk. He would talk about his memories of me. He would tell me about Dauphin. Sometimes, he would read to me. For whatever reason, I would fall asleep after about 30-40 minutes and sleep through the night. Having sleep made me feel alive again and I attributed this to him. I was extremely grateful and kept wondering how I could return his kindness. It turned out he had some ideas.
He started telling me about his wife. He called her stupid. He told me how he met her. He said my wedding was like someone hitting him in the gut, but he still had hope that I would end the marriage and come running to him. Then, he noted that my father died and when he read the obituary there was a mention of my husband. He felt then that if this man had been with me through the tragedy of losing my father, then I would never leave him. He said he drank for a week realizing he would never achieve his goal of becoming married to me. After that, he asked out the first woman that crossed his path. At the time, I believed him. Now, I know that I shouldn't have believed a word he said.
After spending a month telling me how horrible his marriage was, he then spent a month telling me how he was king of my beloved Dauphin. He was friends with everyone, everyone loved him, he was the most successful man in Dauphin, he lived in the biggest house in Dauphin, etc. After a month of that, he indicated that there was only one thing missing in his life, his Queen.
I was vulnerable and arguably not in my right mind and I was buying what he was selling hook, line, and sinker.
I remember telling my friend Nancy that I felt I was having an affair, even though we only had phone contact. I joked with her that if \I was having an affair, I should be having more fun. My friend Nancy commented that it was the first time I had laughed in months.
From that point, he became more explicit and more forthright that he wanted a future with me. He suggested a meeting. It took me a long time to agree to meet him. After all, he was married so I would never. On the other hand, this man gave me the gift of sleep. Also, I know from past experiences that reality never lives up to the fantasies we create in our minds. This guy had a fantasy about me that had endured for about 2-3 decades. I felt I would be doing him a favour. He would realize the reality of me wasn't anything special, and he could move on. I decided to meet him.
We were to meet in Wpg on a Sunday at 4:30 pm at a hotel. I arrived exactly on time and he hadn't checked in yet. A sign that this was a mistake. I left a message that I was going to the bar across the street. I arrived at the bar and it turned out it wasn't open till 5, but the staff setting up service said that I was welcome to wait and that having such a pretty woman sitting in the window would be great for business. I said I would be back at 5 and left. I went to my van and contemplated driving away, then I went for a cold walk. I should have left, but I didn't. At about 5:15, I re-entered the bar. The waiter met me at the door and told me that my gentleman friend was waiting for him but I was way out of his league but he would be happy to join me for a drink later. I laughed. Across the room was this man that I hadn't seen in a decade. He had definitely changed since the last time I saw him; he looked worse. He had a gut, his face was scarred with acne and more wrinkles than he should have, But, there he was, all 5 foot 3 inches of him and I don't know why but my knees felt weak. He pulled out all the stops, including showing me a picture of me that he had in his wallet. I was in Grade 9 and I was in a bathing suit sun-tanning. He said he carried this picture of me everywhere he went. I was the woman of his dreams.
I probably should have found all of this creepy but I was completely seduced. Again, I was in a highly vulnerable state and likely legally incapable of giving consent.
That night is when the affair started. It did nothing to slow down his pursuit of me. He actively planned my future. I would leave my home of 13 years and move a province away to be with him. He convinced me that he was going to be my knight in shining armour and he would take care of me forever. He convinced me to put my house up for sale and uproot my children.
I don't know why I was so stupid. It was like he followed a manual for sexual predators but I didn't see it. He groomed me for several months and then took control of me by convincing me I was nothing without him.
Once my house sold, he started back-tracking and said it would be best for me if I just moved to Dauphin and that he and his wife separated and then we started dating after that. Since I didn't have a house anymore, I was sort of pot committed to moving to Dauphin. He never helped me one little bit in this venture giving me the excuse that he was so high profile that any help would raise suspicion and he was only thinking of me; he didn't want to have the reputation of the "other woman". My aunt found me the perfect house to rent.
So, there I was in Dauphin and having little contact with him. He also told me not to have any contact with people we went to school with because I might accidentally slip details of the affair and that would hurt my reputation. He was only thinking of me, of course.
I told my aunt about him while we were having a glass of wine in her hot tub. She listened to my whole story and didn't judge, but then, she told me that she had heard bad things about him. She wouldn't elaborate. I was alone and had few people to talk to even though I knew practically the whole town. I talked to my Nana, who had been my babysitter basically all of my life that I needed a babysitter and I told her that I would be eventually moving in to his mansion. "You mean that barn?" she said. She told me that she was glad that my father had passed so he didn't have to live through me being with this man. Well, I knew my dad wouldn't approve, but he would also want me to be happy. She told me my dad would want me to happy and he would know it would be impossible for me to happy with him.
Time passed. I was isolated and felt powerless and looked forward to the minimal time he spent with me. He started to de-groom me and he started calling me stupid and convinced me that I was nothing without him. He always had an excuse why the timing was wrong for him to leave his wife.
Finally, he sent his wife and children away. They left town. He was deeply emotional that night so he wanted his privacy but he would drop off a key to the house in my mailbox on his way to work so I could go and see the house for the first time. He advised me to park a couple of blocks away. It didn't occur to me to ask him if he was ashamed of me.
I entered the home for the first time and my Nana was right. It was a barn and a filthy one at that. Filth. How could they raise a baby in this unhealthy environment? There was a great deal of natural wood that had looked like it had never been cared for. The fridge and freezer were full, but there wasn't a single fresh ingredient. I felt sorry for his wife. The woman who lived in this house was obviously depressed. She was a victim. He probably had control of her since she didn't work and he convinced her she was stupid and nothing without him. Like I was feeling.
Well, I was going to make the best of this and decided I needed to clean this place up. Other than going to buy cleaning supplies, I worked for 8 hours straight and only finished the kitchen. He came home and said it was a very emotional night for him and he wanted to be alone. I understood.
The next day I spent another 8 hours cleaning. I found some unfiled papers in the dining room. I didn't snoop through them, but the top papers of each pile indicated that he probably didn't have as much money as he claimed. Again, he came home and wanted to be alone.
Another exhausting day of cleaning followed and I made it upstairs. The first thing that I saw was his father's obituary on a dresser. It was laminated like mine and I could tell he wrote it. He listed all of his father's jobs and the dates of each. It was a long list, but one job caught my eye immediately.
As if was destined, he came home at the exact time I was reading the obituary. I told him I was surprised that his father worked for the same federal government agency that my dad did. In fact, my dad was transferred to Dauphin to manage that department the year his father stopped working there. I was surprised that this mutual employment had never come up.
That is when he told me a number of things. He said that my dad fired his dad shortly after arriving in Dauphin. He said that ruined his dad's life. He was never able to get a good paying job after that and had many periods of unemployment which led to depression. He said his mom was forced to go to work to support the family. He said he always vowed revenge against my dad, but when he realized it wouldn't be possible, he thought the next best thing was to ruin my life. He also told me I wasn't special in any way. He had had affairs before and I likely wouldn't be his last. He also told me to get out because he had already called his wife to reconcile and she would likely be home in an hour. He told me the final decision was that he didn't want his kids to end up like my kids. What was wrong with my kids? They are poor, he said.
I left, broken. There were so many red flags that this affair was all about power and control. It took me a long while to muster my personal affairs to be able to leave Dauphin. I know it was my mistake and my shame remains. That is the worst consequence for me. I feel nothing but shame in the town that I grew up in. I can't even drive through the town without covering myself. I can't visit my father's final resting place.
This was the man who called Stan Struthers a close friend. I believe the women who have accused him. It is because the company that he keeps.
#TimesUp
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