Not Celebrating 75 - Part 1

It is one of the lowest of lows.  It is hard to describe the level of deep despondence I feel today.  I am a regular blood donor.  People who donate blood regularly have their own reasons for doing so.  I do it because I think it is my civic duty.  There are so many reasons why people can't donate blood, and I just feel if I am able, I should donate.  It is in me to give.  There have been many years when I wasn't able to donate because I lived in communities without a place to donate. I donated for the first time when I was 16 and at that time, I barely met the weight requirement.  I also donate for selfish reasons.  I have an amazing vein in my left arm.  Anyone who takes my blood compliments my vein and tells me it is one of the best ever.  I like compliments. 

Seriously, though, although everyone has their own reasons, when you donate blood, it is such an amazing feeling.  I like going at 8:00 am on a Saturday.  I feel great for the whole day.  It is the gift of life but it is amazing gift to give to yourself.  You just feel like a good person.  You actually feel like you have been at a spa.  It is a joy that is hard to describe, but, if you donate blood, you know what I mean. 

Another joy that I have experienced is having my partner donate blood, at my urging, for the first time at age 48.  He is now at 30 donations.  Of all the things he does, this is one of the ones that makes me very proud and it is amazing that we can share in this experience.

On the other side of the coin, it is hard to describe the level of despondence that you feel when you have been deferred. It is usually because of a low hemoglobin.  Once you hit middle age, for various reasons, it is harder for women to have high levels of iron in our blood.  Men also experience this.  Also, for everyone's safety, the threshold is relatively high.  Everyone knows this intellectually, but when you are told you have been deferred, it is like a punch to where it hurts most. You feel like you have been rejected as a person.  Maybe nobody else even notices, but when you leave the consultation room and head towards the exit instead of the donation room, you feel like you are walking in slow motion under a spotlight with thousands of eyes judging you harshly.  It is one of the most horrible feelings you can imagine. 

Today, I was scheduled to give a milestone donation.  I was hoping to donate for my 75th time.  I felt like I needed the "win" today.  The pandemic has taken an emotional toll of me.  Believe me, I know that I have more to be grateful for than most.  Believe me, I know that many are really suffering and I am just being inconvenienced.  However, this pandemic has caused a collective trauma on us all.  It has been hard on everyone.  I really wanted something to celebrate today.  Instead, I am essentially grieving.  It is a horrible low. 

I will get over it.  I have already booked my next donation in 84 days.  I will make sure I eat spinach every day for the four weeks before.  I don't have much of an appetite for red meat, however, I will eat it every night for the week before to ensure I am getting lots of iron and I will make my 75th donation.  But, it is not today.  And, I am devastated. 

I can't write anymore today.  Hopefully, after a good night sleep, I can write about this more because I need to heel. 


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