Triggered

Last weeks episode of Survivor triggered me.  One contestant was uncomfortable by another's "touching".  She didn't like it and asked him to stop.  He apologized and pledged to stop but still slipped up.  She confided in other contestants and they used that information in game play.  She also talked to the producers of the show who assured her that they didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or vulnerable and was asked about options such as an investigation, issuing an edict to him, removing her from the show, and other courses of action.  It was obvious this was a new thing to them and they didn't have a clear roadmap how to proceed.  She decided she didn't want any intervention taken by the show.  It seems to me that when she was asked, she was upset as evidenced by her crying.  It is possible she was not thinking of all the consequences and should have been given more time to decide.  The touching was not described by the contestant as sexual in nature, although it made her feel uncomfortable and she found it to be harassment. 

I am pretty old so I remember when harassment in the workplace was common place and acceptable.  In my first job, the hospital administrator would buy me (or other women) coffee if I was wearing a skirt.  He said it was worth a cup of coffee to get to see my legs.  That was a rather tame example.  I would do as I was supposed to do.  I giggled and thanked him for the $.25 cup of coffee.  Back then, nobody knew better.  Now, we all should know that this behavior is unacceptable.  Things have changed.  Unfortunately, it is my personal experience that things haven't changed as much as I would like. 

I worked for a company for over 10 years.  I felt I was well regarded and respected.  Another employee started making comments to me, in private, that I found intimidating and threatening to my job security. The comments were not sexual in nature.  Apparently, he only used such behavior to me.  In retrospect,  I believe he that he felt I was an impediment to his advancement.  Of course, I have no idea what was in his heart. 

The first time it happened, I went to my Supervisor and explained that I felt uncomfortable with his language to me.  She told me that he was probably joking and trying to be funny.  The next time it happened, I went to her again.  She said, "water off a duck's back". 

The behavior continued.  I made a formal workplace harassment complaint.  The Labour Relations Consultant acknowledged my complaint and indicated, for a number of reasons ,(such as his holidays) that I could not be interviewed for 6 weeks. 

Six weeks that I was left feeling vulnerable.  I didn't know it, for six weeks, but he had been informed not to have any individual contact with me until the investigation was completed.  It might have been helpful for me to know that. 

Regardless, I was waiting for my interview at 10 am on the day that this time had been scheduled.  No one showed and no communication.  Two people showed at 1:00 pm as I was preparing to do an important aspect of my job and had to arrange for someone to take my place. 

Both people took notes.  I was alone and not asked if I wanted a support person.  I was stressed.  At one point, I started to cry.  The interviewer said that his next comments would be off the record.  He stated it was obvious that I had mental health issues and probably was no longer a fit at my current job.  I don't think I was ever given the option to make comments off the record.  Making a harassment complaint is a situation where the accuser is on trial.  I was also asked if I had ever used EAP and when and why.  It was suggested strongly that I needed to make use of that benefit now.  I was told that because I was a victim of an assault over a decade ago, that I was probably too sensitive. 

I was asked why I didn't stop his behavior.  When he stood over me and waved his arms and said, "you are the craziest person I have ever met and when I am your direct supervisor, you will be fired".  I was asked if he could be joking.  I was asked if I was being too sensitive.  I was asked why this made me uncomfortable when it was unlikely that he would be made my supervisor.  I was asked specifically, what in that behavior made me uncomfortable.  Seriously. 

People who are uncomfortable and go to the trouble of making a formal workplace harassment complaint shouldn't have to justify why they feel uncomfortable. 

I was asked why I sat there and took it and why I didn't spar back or walk away.  Well, because, believe it or not, I felt uncomfortable. 

People think that fight or flight is the only trauma response.  There is a third F.  It is freeze.  Your body has difficulty processing what is happening.  Alternatively, your body instinctively knows that fighting or fleeing will make the situation worse so you just freeze to survive it. 

I was reluctant to make a formal complaint because I feared the investigation would ultimately be about me and not about his behavior. 

You can tell a lot about company culture by how employees are treated.  If employees are not treated well, they are not particularly motivated to provide exemplary service. 

So, yeah, last week's episode of Survivor triggered me.   I am sure it triggered others as well.  Looking forward to enjoying this episode as the remaining contestants outwit, outplay, and outlast.