One Winnipeg Police Officer

A police officer is a trauma trigger for me.  It is not something I can control.  When I see a police officer, my body reacts.  I start sweating, and my body starts vibrating. I have to use all of my self-talk to keep my body from shaking.  It is genuine panic.  I sincerely wish I could control my body more and not be triggered by the presence of a uniform.  I have learned some techniques that help.  I follow my police service on twitter so I can be aware of all the good work that they do.  Another technique is called "opposite action".  It basically means that instead of running across the street and allowing myself to convulse and making myself a target for police intervention, I take some deep breathes and talk to the officer.  Basically, it is trying to train my body not to be triggered because there is nothing to be afraid of. 

About this time last year, I was walking down a street downtown going to my partner's office.  Looking up, I saw a police car parked about half a block for me.  The police officer was standing outside leaning on the hood.  It appeared that he was supervising some sort of film production happening across the street. 

I wanted to turn around and run but I convinced myself that I needed to keep walking and that I would say hello to this officer. 

Hello.  Hello.  Hello. Hello. Hello.  I rehearsed that a hundred times and then I got close enough to him to talk and he turned my way to make eye contact.  "Hi there," I said "thank you for all the hard work you do for us."  He said "well, I actually feel guilty today drawing a salary because I am not doing anything."  I continued on, "I know you have probably put in many hours of overtime that you didn't claim for, and I know you likely have difficulty sleeping because of the many scenes you have seen, so in my mind, you deserve several days like this just to help you restore balance." 

He seemed very sincere with his next comment.  "Wow.  You mean you really feel that way and you really are grateful."  Of course, I am grateful.  He said that he rarely got a thank you and this really meant a lot to him. 

As I kept walking, there was part of me that was conflicted.  Was he being sincere?  Did he not feel the vast majority of people were behind the police force?   Do the police receive thank yous few and far between?  He did seem like a genuinely nice guy. 

But, he was a younger guy with his head shaved.  I understand that.  No hair on the head.  No hair that can be pulled, but, he was a very fair skinned blue eyed guy.  Frankly, even though he seemed sincerely nice, he looked like someone who was part of the Aryan Nation.  I chose not to make any assumption about this, though. 

Another thing was that he was smoking a cigarette all through this conversation.  He was standing on a public street where there is a City of Winnipeg bylaw that you can't smoke in a public place.  I totally get it.  The smoking bylaw is not being enforced.  People are smoking everywhere.  He probably was going to be supervising whatever was going on for hours without a break.  He was probably just having a quick smoke as his break or to break the monotony.  I know it really isn't a big deal, but, he was breaking the rules.  It made me wonder if he was willing to break this rule, what other rules would he be willing to break? 

Overall, in my effort to not be triggered by a uniform, I am going to call this a push.  He seemed like a nice young man, yet the bar I have for policemen is incredibly high.  I expect them to be role-models of exemplary behavior in all circumstances.  They are human as well. 

Regardless, I am not a person of colour.  I can not imagine living as a person of colour and to have a trauma trigger being the police.  Sadly, there are millions of Americans who live with this.  That is why we are seeing riots all through the States and various types of response to this.  I plan to attend a peaceful protest on Friday evening.  It is not because I want more practice in having control over my trauma, it is simply because it is the right thing to do.