Will You Marry Me .... And Take My Name?

 

I just love to marry.  Seriously, I have married many of my colleagues and friends.  For the most part, it has worked out really well.  

I am a Marriage Commissioner.  It is a great gig.  The opportunity to be part of someone's "happily ever after" is pretty awesome.  It seems "love" is not as much in the air as I wish it would be.  I know I will always need much love in my life.  Going to weddings is a great way to be a part of someone's life.  

I am always grateful for anyone who asks me to be part of this day and I don't take it for granted.  I want to make sure that I am providing them a personalized ceremony worthy of their story.  I always ask them about how they got engaged.  

I used to say to the groom, "How did you propose?"  I don't ask that anymore because a few years ago, I realized how misogynist that question is.  Why was I assuming that the groom proposed to the bride?  Very sexist.  How come I didn't ask the bride how she proposed to the groom?   This dawned on me while I was preparing to officiate a same-sex wedding.  I asked them, "how did you get engaged?" So, that is what I ask everyone now?  How did you get engaged?  How did you make the decision to get married?  Something like that.  

There is also a question that I need to know when officiating a wedding.  I will be the first person who will be presenting the married couple to their world.  I need to know what they want to be called.  So, I ask the bride, "are you changing your name?"  Or, I ask the groom, "Is she taking your name?"

I have just realized that this is sexist as well.  Why don't I turn to the groom and say, "are you changing your name? Are you taking her name?"  

It is a societal expectation for the woman to change her name or to retain her name.  No one discusses a man changing his name or taking her name.  

Some women think about the future and want their potential children to have the same last name.  So, they change their name so that won't be an issue.  

Most often, women change their name as a show or respect to their husband, or it is viewed as a tremendous gift to the husband.  

I will be honest, this is a little personal.  My partner and I are not legally married.  We have not made it legal because I have asked that he take my name.  I'm sorry, I am being honest.  He has asked what he can get me as a wedding present and I said that is what I want.  It doesn't have anything to do with his last name. It is just something I want for me.  (I also asked my first husband to take my name and he didn't.  The marriage did not work out well.)  

So, what does this say about me?   Am I a bitch?  Am I untraditional?  Am I disrespecting him?  Am I out of my mind?  Am I selfish?  

I don't know.  But, I do know that nobody would be asking him these questions of him if the tables were turned.  

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