Wishing a Heavenly Happy Birthday To My Mom

 


Happy heavenly 85th birthday to my mom.  I will love her forever.  I wish I was more like her. She was so compassionate, and had such a great sense of humour.  She was so smart.  And, she wasn't afraid of anything.  

I am afraid.  Afraid all the time.  It may be an irrational fear, but, nonetheless, it is a fear that I have.  Even now.  I want to express my love for my mom and I have to edit myself.  I have to think and think of the blog title.  I can't have any reference in the title that might prompt them to read it.  They monitor my social media.  They think everything I post is an affront to them.  So, I have to gaslight myself.  I guess this is why I post so much about politics, to avoid posting my personal feelings so that I don't offend them in any way.  I can't even post that I love my dead mother because they will think that is an insult to their mother.  I have seen their fury and I don't want to see it again.  So, I edit myself.  

I love my mom and I always will.  She was a great woman.  That doesn't take away from anyone else who has a mother and loves their mother.  It is just that I miss my mom.  She was a great mom and I miss her.  

I also want to be a writer when I grow up.  But, I am afraid all the time so I gaslight my feelings and my pain.  So, my writing is missing a certain sense of authenticity that comes when you are feel free to express your feelings.  

I wish my mom was here so she could give me a hug.  

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