Making up the Rules

When I was in elementary school, and I became old enough to have friends over, I had a choice of about 10 other children who were living in a three block radius.  I usually picked the same friend to invite over.  She was different from the other kids.  She had a complicated life.  She didn't have a father and her mother had health problems.  She had older brothers and sisters who also seemed to have complicated lives and they sort of came in and out of the house from places unknown.  She struggled in school.  I would often pick her up on the way to school and often that meant that I would be entering the unlocked door and waking her up, as no one else seemed to be able to.

I don't know how much of this was something I planned, but we would always play board games at my house.  And I would always win.  Monopoly was our favorite game.   The reason I always won was because I would make the rules as I was going along.  I knew how to play by the real rules, but, I always wanted to win.  So, whatever I landed on, it meant that she was giving me money under some sort of rule that I had just made up.  Only one time did she question my rules.  It was when she landed on the same spot that I had previously landed on.  I quickly made up the rule that I got money when I landed on that spot because I have rolled a 4; but because she rolled a 2 and landed on the spot that meant she not only owed me money but I got three extra turns.

We had a very nice trailer at the time and we often played on the table in the trailer.  Everything was going fine until once when my mother was bringing us snacks, she decided she was going to stay and do some cleaning in the trailer.  As she lingered, she realized what I was doing.  My mom said I was cheating and from now on, when we played board games, we would play them with adult supervision.  My friend actually stood up for me to my mom.  She said she was just happy to be over playing with me and she knew that I had been cheating but she didn't mind.  That made things worse for me.

There were a number of consequences for me.  First of all, for the rest of her life, when I was playing a game my mom would tell everyone I had a history of cheating.  We were a large family who liked to play cards.  Every time I won, my mom would say that I probably cheated.   All of my legitimate victories were tainted.

And, now, I had to be closely supervised when I had friends over.  This cramped my style.  And, the funny thing was, I continued to beat this friend even though I was following the rules.  It turns out she didn't have any aptitude for board games.  So, I never needed to cheat.   My mom didn't spoil the good thing I had going, I did.   I didn't need to make up the rules.

The other consequence was that my parents now took an interest in my friend.  My mom and I went to her house to apologize to her mom.  They tried to make her life less complicated.  They invited her over several times a week for meals and even took her on one of our weekend camping trips.  It turned out I really didn't like spending time with this friend and I was only using her to elevate my self-esteem.  The joke was on me.  All because I didn't want to play by the rules and I wanted to make up my own rules.

Unfortunately, I am not the only one who made up rules as I was going along.  Sadly, many employers are doing the same thing.  It was the #MeToo movement that exposed that many employers didn't have clear protocols for investigating harassment in the workplace complaints.  They seemed to be making up the rules as they went along and that led to many problems and no clear path for those who had been harassed to feel heard or safe.  It probably contributed to a climate where more were harassed that could have been prevented.

Not having clear rules that are universal lead to staff turn-over and low morale.

Employers are now trying to cover up the fact that they are making up rules as they go along by calling it changing expectations in the workplace.  They say that employees who don't adapt quickly are not change agents and they eventually make up rules that force those employees out.  If you are looking for day care for a toddler, you will find that the best establishments are ones that brag about how a safe, predictable, structured environment.  If you happen to be looking for a care home for an aged loved one, again, you will find the best ones are ones that feature a safe, predictable, structured environment.  Members of the workforce respond best in the same type of environment.  Safe.  Predictable.  Structured.  Of course, change happens, but the companies that involve the employees in meaningful dialogue about the change seem to manage the change best.  Regardless, even though change in constant, there should always be clear rules and expectations.  What we want for the youngest of our society and what we want for the elderly in our society should not be lost on those in the middle.

I devoted a great deal of my "outside work" life to a volunteer organization for 5 years.  It broke my heart when I had to quit that organization but I kept seeing how there were two sets of rules and they were making up the rules as they went along much like I had done decades ago when playing monopoly with my friend.

No one needs the same detailed rules that Sheldon Cooper would draft in a room-mate agreement or a relationship agreement, however, it is just common sense that people perform better when there is clear expectations and clear consequences for not adhering to the rules.

It is sort of one of those "Everything I needed to learn, I learned in Kindergarten" moments.

There were consequences for me when I made up the rules trying to take advantage of my friend.  There are also consequences for those employers who make up the rules trying to take advantage of an employee.  Employers are wrong to think that their employees will accept anything just to have employment.  There are lots of opportunities out there and a high degree of staff turn-over also speaks volumes to prospective employees.

And, the ironic thing is that it is unnecessary to be making up the rules as you are going along.  I learned that I easily could beat my friend while following the rules.  Employers also have more stable workplaces when all employees know what the rules and expectations.  It is just common sense, but not common practice.