It has been a long 42 days......

Time does fly when you are having fun.  Time doesn't seem to fly when you are living history.  Well, no that is not quite right.  What I mean to say it that it seems to me that when the world has something historical happening in real time, it seems to set off a domino reaction where you don't have time to appreciate it the significance of such.  Well, that has been the last 42 days.  Not just one news item for us to try and ingest but too much to count:  the surge of Covid19 cases south of the border; the politicization of masks; the legacy of George Floyd; the loss of icon John Lewis; racial tensions out in the open; forcing us to come to terms with white privilege; the rise of the Karen's; the politics of re-opening; tragedy in Nova Scotia; and on and on.  Yeah, a lot has happened in 42 days in the world. 

Coincidentally, it has been 42 days since I have blogged.  One of my favorite Ukrainian role models noticed the absence of my blog so I had to put on my traditional Ukrainian shirt to celebrate that I am back. 

So, although time does fly when you are having fun, it literally stops when you are not blogging.  It feels like every day of the last 42 days, I have been descending a staircase into madness.  Seriously, every day that I haven't blogged, my mental health has deteriorated.  Although I appear to be functioning well to others, I haven't been.  I have taken everything that has happened in the world personally.  I have been sleeping less than usual.  At times, when I think I have been in control of my anxiety, I look down and I notice my hands are shaking.  I have been afraid of everything, including the sound of my own laugh.  Happily, that sound has been rare.  It has been dramatic. I've struggled  with my mental health for a long time, but the last 42 days have been something else.  I have expressed feelings of being completely lost in that my thinking has not been logical.  Three times I have made three appointments with my physician to talk about being hospitalized and three times I have canceled those appointments.  At one point, I was really thinking of harming myself.  My reason for not making a plan was also illogical.  I mean I should have just looked at a picture of my grandson to remind me of all that I have to live for, but, that didn't make a difference to me.  What made me decide to go on was fear of my partner being left alone to manage his finances.  I couldn't take information at face value.  In fact, every piece of information received, my paranoia made me react the opposite way. I was literally living in the pages of one of my favorite books, 1984.  I was believing that hate meant love and peace meant war.  It is really hard to explain what it is like to be afraid of the thoughts in your head. You start believing conspiracy theories that are being manufactured in your head and all of these theories have one thing in common.  Everyone in the world is out to get you.  The night before my blog shut down, my blog was viewed 300 times in Russia.  I was convinced Russian bots somehow were responsible in shutting down my blog.  So many times I was screaming to myself that "I need help" while at the same time being too scared to get help. 

Anyway, I have become very aware of what my blog accomplished in my life.  It gave me intellectual curiosity.  I carry about a book and when I come across an idea for my blog, I make a note to further research it so I can blog about it.  It provides me with structure and a feeling of mastery.  When I am busy blogging, somehow I am able to accomplish more in my personal life.  When I press "publish", I feel I am doing my part to make my corner of the world a little better.  Oddly, when someone challenges my opinion or disagrees with me, I feel stronger.  I feel that is what the world needs is more debate, more sharing of opinions, so I feel actually more validated when people disagree with me.  Having my blog makes me more engaged in the world, whether it be global politics, or my own little corner of the world.  I notice things more.  My brain is trained to find a metaphor for a life lesson in the simplest of tasks. So, my blog is more than just poorly written drivel to me, it is something that is necessary for my functioning.  Case in point.  For the last 42 days, my Keurig has refused to work for me.  Don't panic.  I have still been getting my caffeine as my partner has been making me coffee, however, I was convinced my Keurig just wasn't that into me.  Breaking up is hard.  But, now my blog is back.  Will my mental health be restored to its baseline immediately.  Not likely.  It took 42 days to get into this state, it might take that long to return, however, I do have a very hopeful sign. 

This morning, I am both proud and elated to report that my Keurig and I were able to successfully create not one, but two cups of coffee. 

Life is gonna get good again.

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