Ding-A-Ling.......Hello, It is Me, Your Mental Illness

 

Other than the cheap sunglasses, I look like I have it all together.  It is a fairly recent picture of me.  I don't usually take selfies so I must have been feeling confident.  Yeah, I have those times.  Times when I feel like myself only two decades earlier.  Man, I was fierce.  Leading a great life that I took for granted.  After all, I worked hard for everything I had and had played by the rules of life.  I really was a spitfire in every sense of the word.  I lived in a world without limits and believed I could accomplish whatever I wanted to.  

And then, a bad thing happened to me.  It knocked the wind out of my sails for a while.  It took a long time for the dust to clear.  Once I got my head above water, I realized I had spent a long time getting my head above water.  All my energy was on getting through that point, that I put no energy into myself.  

I don't know if that makes sense.  It even sounds contradictory.  But, basically, I wasn't ensuring that I got enough restorative sleep.  I wasn't nourishing any aspect of my life whether it was physical, spiritual, and emotional.  I wasn't exercising my mind or my body.  I wasn't putting any energy into relationships.  Although it wasn't life or death, it felt like all I was doing was surviving.  

When I through to the other side, I took stock of what was left of me.  I was diagnosed with some mental illnesses, specifically depression and anxiety.  My actual diagnoses come with fancier names but that is essentially what I live with.  

Like many illnesses, my depression and anxiety can be managed by a regime that includes medication, self-care, and therapy.  Like most illnesses, treatment evolves with time.  So, my medication regime is adjusted accordingly.  Initially, cognitive based therapy and now dialectical behaviour therapy.  Sometimes different aspects of each.  Self-care regimes also seem to change and I have learned to listen to my body.  

This will sound hokey but I have actually made friends with my depression and anxiety.  I believe they actually serve an important function in protecting me from harm.  One of my heroes talks about reframing your diagnoses to having them be your super-powers.  

Also, like many illnesses when you start feeling better, you think you have your illness conquered.  

And, when I start feeling like that, all of a sound the bell sounds.  Ding-a-ling-a-ling.  The bell that can't be unrung.  My depression and/or anxiety takes me out.  Sometimes slightly, most times harshly.  Either way, it is a reminder to me that as long as I am living, I will be living with depression and anxiety.  But, it is also a reminder that it can be managed and I need to get back on track.  

For me, living with depression and anxiety is a bit like living within a pandemic.  Follow the fundamentals.