Grief

 

Someone I didn't know died yesterday.  His death was sudden and unexpected and tragic.  He was young.  It is very tragic.  Even though I didn't know him, I am grieving.  Even though I didn't know him, I feel I should have known him.  It is complicated, of course.  These things always are.  So, even though I am grieving, I feel guilty for grieving.  Do I have the right to grieve?  After all, I didn't know him.  Are there rules on grief? If I want to grieve, shouldn't I be allowed to grieve?

Not that we all don't have things to grieve.  I think 2022 has already taught us that there is no going back to normal, or the way it was, prepandemic.  There will be no more "normal".  The government has essentially waved the white flag. We are all going to be exposed, at the very least, so why fight it, beyond following the fundamentals.  Frankly, it is scary.  No one actually knows what is going to happen.  Plus, since limiting close contacts, there really is nothing to do.  

So, a lot out there to grieve.  

And, frankly, the wave of emotion that I feel over the death doesn't feel like my typical grieving emotion.  Grief.  With regret.  With sadness.  With regret primarily.  With a little bit of anger.  With a lot of sadness.  

Whatever emotion I feel, I know it is genuine because it is washing over every other emotion.  Regardless, I know I have to deal it.  I also know I have to name it to tame it.  So, whatever it is, I have to figure it out for me to deal with it.  

Rest in paradise.