Life imitates Art and the Toxic Family

Last week's episode of Law and Order SVU was gripping.  It portrayed very well in a 42 minute episode (18 minutes of commercials) one of the complex dynamic of living in a toxic family.  It happened on the day of a father's funeral.   It sounded like the family was well off, as the father was a surgeon who helped many people.  The mother was present and there were two daughters.  One daughter was sexually abused by her father; the other wasn't.  The one who wasn't ended up killing a man who reminded her of her father as she could never reconcile her jealousy of her sister for being chosen by her father. 

I worked as an Addictions Counsellor for three years in a small town.  In that three years, I felt like I knew more than I wanted about everyone in town.  

I remember one man came to see me claiming he was suffering from alcoholism.   He sat in my office once a week for about 4 weeks saying he had something to tell me, but that he couldn't.  We had 4 sessions where nothing happened.  Except that I felt dirty after each session and couldn't wait to go home and have a shower.  I believe in transference so I knew he actually did have something to share.  After the 4 sessions, it was followed by 3 sessions where he did nothing but cry.  Real tears.  Real remorse.  Real sorrow.  But, I still didn't know what it was about.  

Then, the next session, he told me.  He had been sexually abusing his middle daughter since she was 8.   She was now 15.  He said he didn't touch his other two daughters.  I stopped him and said that I had to report this.  He said they already knew and that is why they sent him for counselling.  I called anyway.  Children's Aid said that they already knew and actually he was facing Criminal charges.  Yet, he was still living in the home.   They wouldn't tell me any of the details.  Of course, I was frustrated that I didn't have a heads up about this.  I certainly would have handled him differently.  At that time, I was thinking the world was black and white.  I was young and idealistic.  Now, I know, the world is very grey at best.  I don't know what went into that decision and I still don't.   But, I know every situation is complex.  

I ended up seeing the mother.  Even though she claimed she didn't know about the abuse, she was filled with self-hatred and rage against herself for not protecting her daughter.  She wasn't angry at her husband, she loved him.  

I ended up seeing the two daughters who were not victims.  The oldest daughter was angry at her sister.  Her sister's disclosure ended their happy home.  Now, a bunch of people were involved in their lives.  Her family had a criminal record.  She felt everyone knew and she only had one more year of high school left.  Why couldn't her sister wait until she was out of town before she disclosed and started this nonsense.   Why did her sister lure their father into this?

The younger daughter was also filled with hate and self-loathing.  What was wrong with her?  Why didn't their father touch her?  Was she not pretty enough?  

This was similar to the dynamic that I saw of adult children of alcoholics.  Very few were angry with their alcoholic father.  Why would they be?  He was fun, always drunk and laughing.  They were mostly angry with their mother.  The mother that was sober and busy trying to keep the family afloat.  They were angry that their mother had no time for them and was so humourless.  

Families dynamics are always complex.  Victim blaming occurs not only in society but also occurs behind closed doors.  

Today, from what I understand, the chemically dependent family is having role reversals.  Now, the addicted person is often the mom addicted to pain medication.  

There is so much we don't know.  But, here is what I know.  Every "toxic" person (I am using that term loosely) significantly impacts four other lives; siblings, children, spouses, a best friend, a colleague, etc.  About 1 in ten of us are "toxic" meaning that they have some sort of dependency.  If you add the four other lives impacted, this brings it up to 5 out of 10 of us significantly impacted by a toxic person.  Not all victims are the ones you think they are.  The SVU episode referred to them as collateral damage.  So, 5 out of 10 means that it can be reduced to 1 out of 2.  

This is a critical time for our society.  For some reason, we have a flood of people accusing famous people of misconduct.  If it is happening for famous people, it is likely happening with anonymous people.  This is not a women's issue, it is an issue for humanity.  What is complex is that many of the perpetrators were actually victimized themselves.  People reporting this and adjudicating this also have likely been affected.  Only by speaking the truth can we start to heal as a society.  Only by speaking the truth can we break this cycle.  It will be complicated.   Nothing will be black and white.  

I think the only thing that we can do is keep talking and keep listening.   Keep in mind 1 out of 2 of us have been affected.  If that isn't you, you need to be listening.  Also, you need to be watching the news, reading the news, and searching out opportunities for critical thinking.  Not all that we read will be true on either side of the issue.   This is because people reporting are also reporting through their filter.  Unfortunately, we can't close Pandora's box.  We can just keep moving forward.   Keep talking and keep listening.  Remember, this is about power and control.  Whenever there is a power and control imbalance, there is a risk of abuse.