The Subtle Bully

I have been in the work force for three decades.   Workplaces have changed a great deal in that time.  At my first "adult" job, I remember a co-worker telling me how wonderful our boss was and that it was too bad that this was my first job because I would never be able to appreciate how great he was.  She was right. Dennis was an extraordinary boss.  Long before the workplace was researched and analyzed as a sociological entity, Dennis was a leader and a manager.  He way decades ahead of the curve.  He actually led by example.  He was transparent and explained his decisions.  When he was able, he consulted prior to making decisions.  When he made decisions we didn't like, we still respected him as he explained what led to them.  He didn't ask him staff to do anything that he wasn't willing to do himself.  He was methodical and had a vision.  He defended his staff publicly even he didn't privately.  He earned our trust and before there was such things as workplace ethics or codes of conduct, he had all of these and more by his actions.

I can also blame him for my coffee addiction.  I never had a cup of coffee before I went to work for this team.  We started work at 8:30 am, but the first half hour was a mandatory coffee break in the staff room.  We forwarded the reception calls to this room and we took turns answering the phone for this half hour so that all members of the team, including reception, could attend this coffee break.  There was only 9 of us.  When we answered the phone, we would indicated we were in our morning staff meeting and take a message.  It was simple but brilliant team building.  We got to know each other as people rather than as colleagues.  I knew everything that had happened the night before in all of our lives.  It was a wonderful way to ensure trusting relationships.  On Monday, our meeting was a little bit longer because we had three evenings to share.  We all were equal.  We all contributed.  We all were important.  Dennis and his back lane neighbour didn't get along that well and we looked forward to hearing about this drama.  We all laughed about some of this and we all gave advice.  We were free to say when we thought that the neighbour was right when he was right.  So, we learned the value of humour in the workplace; it is okay to disagree as long as you do so respectfully; no one is perfect; there is always a solution if you work together as a team; and in order to build trusting relationships you need to take some risks.  Only one of my colleagues had a difficult time getting there on time.  She showed up at 8:50 am three days in a row.  When we talked to her about it, because we were empowered to take own ownership of our workplace, she couldn't understand what the big deal since we were only drinking coffee.  I know Dennis talked to her about it because she was never late again.  That half hour was an important part of our day and not just about drinking coffee.

But, my colleague and friend was right.  As much as I appreciated and respected Dennis, I really didn't understand how awesome he was until I had something to compare him too.  It took me two more decades to find another leader.  I had plenty of bosses, but not leaders.  Some of my bosses actually supervised me,  Most of my bosses were actually colleagues who took it upon themselves to be bossy.  Again, workplaces were different.  There weren't allowed of rules.  People in power abused it and individual competition was inherent.  Most of us felt the only way to advance was to throw mud at one another.

As a society, we recognize that this was unhealthy.  We have gone to great lengths to change our workplaces.  Respectful workplaces aren't just things that we display on our walls, it is actually legislated.

Unfortunately, this hasn't resolved things and people who have the mindset have developed more creative ways to bully.  I have worked with many masters at this. 

One woman I worked with was what I called a subtle bully.  One day, I was working on a proposal and asked her to proofread.  The reason you ask someone to proofread is because you want a fresh set of eyes to see if you made any mistakes.  I had made a mistake and she caught it.  I corrected it and submitted the final draft to our Board.  At the presentation, she told everyone that I had made a mistake and that she had corrected it for me.  I went to her after and told her that I felt she was trying to sabotage me; I was about to give her credit for helping me so she didn't need to point out that I had made a mistake to our Board.  She agreed with me and said it was just an innocent mistake and she apologized.  I accepted her apology.

The next week, my son had an issue at school and I went to attend to it and left 15 minutes early.  At our next staff meeting, she asked for clarification on what hours I worked because she had come looking for me and I wasn't there.  I went to her afterwards and asked if she had a question or an issue for me that she would come to me privately rather than embarrass me in a group.  Oh, she had no idea she was doing that and I understood how that must have looked and apologized.  I accepted her apology.

The next week, my travel agent emailed me some information and I printed it out to look at it later.  I went to the printer and it wasn't there.  I wasn't surprised when it showed up at our next staff meeting and guess who was asking for clarification if we allowed to print personal business.  I got a very syrupy apology.

It kept going like this.  I stopped asking for meaningless apologies.  I looked for ways to avoid her and didn't consult with her when I should.  It negatively affected our team.  I started seeing no value in taking the high road and I started going low.  I found that it got me nowhere and took much more energy.  I let her get into my head which was the real tragedy.  She started occupying space in my head.  She took up so much space that there wasn't much room for common sense.  As I became focused on making her mistakes public, I started making more mistakes myself.  She wanted to show the world I was incompetent and I was giving her more ammunition.  Her behavior was crazy-making and I felt myself slipping down that rabbit hole.

Finally, the last straw came for me.  We were at a meeting where she threw me under the bus and I called her out.  She apologized so sincerely.  I didn't accept her apology.  She had an audience so she started to cry and said, "I made a mistake, and I apologized, what is your problem?"  Now, everyone looked at me as if I was the problem and how could I make this Saint cry?

I went back in my office and started sending out resumes and left a job that I loved on my first opportunity.

Years have passed and I am not disappointed in her.  She was trying to survive in a workplace where she felt overwhelmed.  She felt that bringing someone down was a way to elevate herself.  I am disappointed in myself.  I should never have given her my power.  She was just a subtle bully.  She felt that as long as she apologized she could keep on doing this behavior.

I think where I went wrong was to spend time and energy asking for her apology.  The reason was that it destroyed my ability to accept an apology in the future.  Her apologies were meaningless because she no intention of changing her behavior.  Unfortunately, it took me many years to learn how to accept an apology.  It turns out sometimes people do something inadvertently that causes some harm.  Following my experience with my subtle bully, I just assumed they were doing things on purpose and never pointed out their "pinch".  So, I never got an apology and they never did change their behavior because it was never drawn to their attention.  I started to assume everyone was out to get me and I stopped forgiving.  I also became paranoid and stopped trusting.  This subtle bully really caused damage.

I forgot some of the common sense lessons that my parents taught me.  If you do good work, let it speak for itself.  When you engage in a mud throwing fight, some of it will stick.  If you make a mistake, take responsibility for it and try to make different mistakes next time.  People are trying to be good and sometimes they just need some help with their moral compass.  Forgive often.  Love even more.   If you don't trust people, you may miss out on some great relationships.  Some people are going to challenge you.  Keep your power and keep forgiving.