All or Nothing?

I am an "all or nothing" kind of woman.  I am competitive, but mostly against myself.  I set huge goals for myself and I don't give myself credit unless I achieve them.  Usually, they are impossible to achieve.  So, I am always beating myself up.  I also throw in the towel too early.  If my partner puts an extra egg in my omelet in the mornings and I don't know until he tells me, I already quit my diet for that day convinced that I can't make my daily goal.  And, even throwing in the towel is an "all or nothing" thing for me.  If I can't make my diet goal, then, I might as well eat everything that we have and then go through a drive-thru. 

I am thinking a lot about this "all or nothing" thing as this weekend is Father's Day.  It is not just because my father will be gone 27 years.  I think of my dad every day.  I lost him too soon in my life, but he remains my best friend.  No, Father's Day is another day of regret for me because it is Marathon Day in Manitoba.  In my 20s, I was a long distance runner.  I loved it.  I had my own course and I ran 6 miles five days a week.  During the week days, I would get up and run 2 miles before work, 2 miles right after work, and another 2 miles just before bed.  On Saturdays, I would run 8-10 miles consecutively.  Sundays, I would rest my body and do strength training.  My goal was to run the marathon when I was 26.  At age 25, I ran the half marathon.  I was ready for the next year.  Then, I met my future husband and on our first date, we stayed out too late for me to do my before bed run.  Then, the next day, we went out for an early supper and I missed my after work run.  Even though that shouldn't have thrown me off, and I could adapt my training to my new relationship, I never ran again.  All or nothing.  One of the red flags that this relationship was not going to be good for me.  That is one of my biggest regrets.  I have never ran a marathon. 

That's just who I am, even though, I try not to be.  If I can't be the best at something, I don't want to do it.  I have many friends like that.  One of my friends told me of an experience yesterday that really moved her.  After telling me the story, she said that she wanted to eradicate world hunger.  Of course, I encouraged her.  If anyone can, she can, but, I am afraid that is a complex problem that others have tackled before.  If it could be done, I would hope that it would be done already. So, my friend likely won't succeed and she will beat herself up, even though in the process of trying, she will make a significant difference in many people's lives. 

Intellectually, we all know that one is infinitely more than zero., but try telling that to us.  If I have a day where I end up sitting in meetings and I get home and my fitness tracker says that I have only done 1000 steps, I decide to spend the evening on the couch.  There is no point in going for a walk since I won't make 10,000 steps.  Yet, even going for a short walk will make me feel much better. 

So, where am I going with this.  Well, at the end of May, I was informed that there was a problem with my ad posting service on my blog.  I was sent instructions on how to fix this problem.  Well, it looked too complicated so I didn't even try.  Then, a few days ago, I took a picture of these instructions on another device so I could fix this.  What is probably easy to everyone is just too difficult for me.  So, I am beating myself up emotionally.  And, what is the point of blogging if I am not getting revenue from it.  So, I haven't blogged since May 29.  I am an "all or nothing" woman. 

And, this is what it has gotten me.  I usually blogged every day and I did this when I first woke up at 5:50 am.  In addition to being "all or nothing", I also have been accused of being a megalomaniac. Well, there is no truth to that one, however, I felt good after I blogged.  I really felt like I was contributing to social justice.  After I blogged, I felt good about myself.  It inspired me to take on the day - with vigor.  It was sort of like running for me.  I managed to fit it into my life and my life was better for it.  I felt powerful and I felt motivated.  I watched and read more news.  I researched more.  I was more engaged in the world.  I took advantage of more opportunities.  I was stronger as some of entries were controversial.  I was empowered when people disagreed with me. 

And now, this is what my life has become.  I sleep in since there is no reason to get up.  I don't attend things that I used to attend.  I am not as curious as I was.  I have become overall more lethargic.  Since I don't have a structured morning, I no longer have a structured day.  I see something that I really want to blog about, and then I feel horrible because I am not blogging about it.  There seems to be more and more social justice deficits in the news and I am becoming more and more depressed about them.  I have been sinking into a whole that is affecting all aspects of my life.  And, I am not even fighting it.  I am just allowing this veil of depression overwhelm me.  It is weird, but, people who suffer from depression will understand.  On the weekends, the weather has been lovely and the birds have been chirping.  That should inspire me, but it is taunting me.  I feel like I haven't "earned' the ability to go out and enjoy myself. 

And, apparently, I am not that much fun to be around.  My bottom happened this morning.  My partner told me today that he was very disappointed in me.  That did it for me.  I have to start reclaiming my life. 

However, if I go "all or nothing", I am going to fail.  I have got to start small.  One of the groups that I am in is an mental health support group.  Last night, a woman posted that she was having a panic attack and she hadn't had one in years so she had forgotten how to get through them.  That's another thing.  I have been having more panic attacks.  Anyway, how to you get through panic attacks.  It starts with a single breath.  How do I start to reclaim my structure and purpose?  It starts with a single blog entry.