The Platinum Rule

We all know the golden rule which is treat people the way you want to be treated.  Good advice?  Yes, but there is a better way.  I first heard it from Winnipeg's own, Dr. Harvey Chochinov.  Before I tell you about the better way, google Dr. Chochinov and be prepared to be amazed.  He is unbelievably accomplished but he is also the real deal.  He is one of the most compassionate people I have had the privilege of meeting.  I have heard him speak dozens of times, many times the same speech.  Each time, I have walked away with something different.  Anyway, he suggests that there is a platinum rule.  Treat people like they want to be treated. 

Treat people like they want to be treated.  Seems simple.  It is harder than you realize. 

I've had a rough couple of weeks.  I have been struggling.  My partner also has a blog.  I recommend it.  It is called strugglingtosmile.blogspot.com .  Anyway, last week, we took a few days off to accomplish some projects.  We managed to strike three things off our list, but didn't accomplish what we wanted.  He wrote a blog entry called "At My Own Pace".  His central point was that people do things at their own pace and that is ok.  I know it was actually designed to motivate me.  It was to encourage me to celebrate what we have done and to be motivated to do more.  It accomplished the opposite.  I wasn't pleased with his passive aggressive dig.  I got him back.  I did even less after that entry.  And, I felt worse.  He had the best of intentions.  He thought he was helping me, but he was helping me like he would want to be helped.  It was the golden rule. 

A few weeks ago, we joined a book club.  Both of us were very excited.  Our first book is A Million Little Pieces.  I have read the book but my partner has not.  He loves to read.  I gave him some information about the book that I thought would intrigue him and motivate him to read the book in one setting.  Well, three weeks in, you can see by the picture how little he has read.  I don't get it.  It is such an amazing book.  Yesterday, I reiterated the information that I thought would motivate him to read it, as I know it would motivate me.  He looked at me and told me that was precisely why he couldn't get into the book and if I hadn't told him that information, he would already have finished.  So, I helped him like I wanted to be helped.  I didn't help him like he wanted to be helped. 

I used to work with a guy who was always helping me in ways that I didn't want.  He didn't ask.  He just started helping.  This man had a lot of issues, but, one thing that he was very good at was "helping".  Not only me, everyone.  He wasn't helping to make anything a success, he was helping make things fail.  And, then, to run to someone's boss and report all the things that went wrong, and how he tried so hard to help.  Whenever he had a big project on the go, at our team meetings, we would all volunteer to help.   He would accept the help and ask us to help at a certain time with logistics.  Of course, he would have this all done by the time we arrived.  Then, he could play the martyr again, "oh, no one helps me and I help everyone else."  I have to give him credit for one thing, though.  He was honest.  One time I asked him, "how can I help you?"  He said, "I have no need for the help you can give."  That was great.  I was glad I asked and I was glad he answered honestly.  Saved us both time and energy and took my blinders off to what an ass he really is. 

A Million Little Pieces is an excellent book and I recommend it highly.  I hope my partner decides to persevere because I know he will get a lot out of it.  But, there is a possibility that he may not continu to read it.  That is a shame but another reminder to help people how they want to be helped.  To treat people not like you want to be treated, but how they want to be treated.