Love, Actually

When I was younger, I dumped many guys for trivial reasons.  It turns out I fooled people into believing I was a catch.  I had very high standards, and then needed to be perfect.  I dumped guys that I didn't think had enough earning potential.  I dumped guys who weren't athletic enough.  I dumped guys who didn't give back to the community.  I dumped guys who were 8s.  Of course, I dumped guys who told off colour jokes.  I even dumped some women.  For some reason, I had a harder time dumping women because I was ridiculously flattered that they were interested. 

Three times in my life I was in a relationship panic.  The first was when I graduated grade 12.  I needed a date for Grad.  The second time was when my niece got married.  She is younger than me by three years.  She was younger than me and getting married.  Also, I just knew this wedding would by about many watershed moments in our family.  I didn't need a date, I needed John F. Kennedy, Jr.  As it turned out, I just needed a dress.  I went solo to that wedding but I had this dress.  At the time, I was size 0.  Yes, that is a thing and I still have the dress.  The dress was loose on me and I got an amazing pair of high heel matching shoes and matching ear-rings.  Believe me, I won that evening.  I looked like a super model and even little girls saw me in the washroom and said I looked like a fairy princess. 

The third time I was in a relationship panic was when I had just turned 26 and my life was proceeding as planned.  I needed a husband and 2 children and a dog.  Enter my husband.  We were never meant to be.  He was just in the right place when I needed a husband.  I remember walking down the aisle wondering how long I would have to be married before I could get divorced.  Then, I got pregnant while on the pill.  Yes, it happens.  And, then I got pregnant again while on the pill.  Yes, it happens.  So, I got two perfect children out of the deal but the marriage ended. 

I was no longer in relationship panic.  As life happened, I gained wieght.  I didn't want a relationship but I wanted someone to take me out every now and then.  I joked that my criteria for choosing a boyfriend had changed dramatically.  I only had two.  He had to be breathing and he had to weigh more than I. 

I was comfortable dating casually.  I had no desire to have another "relationship".  It was a practical reason.  I didn't want to share my closet space with anyone. 

Also, I have seen many great guys who are in couples.  The woman in the relationship has always said, "they don't come that way, I had to train him."  I didn't want to waste time training anyone. 

And, then I met Santa Claus.  I had no intention of being in a relationship with him.  But, somehow he managed to worm his way into my life.  I actually tried to dump him several times.  One time, we were walking in the Forks and I told him that I felt that he had undiagnosed depression that was affecting his life negatively.  I thought that would be enough to send him running.  But, instead he embraced his depression, sought formal diagnosis, and treatment.  I felt I owed him to stay with him through the difficult initial moments.  Also, he was the first man of my age who didn't have baggage.  By that, I meant that he didn't have any ex-wives or children.  He only had one ex-fiance.  He introduced me to her and they remain great friends, and now she is a friend of mine.  I had to admit being on great terms with an ex was a big plus with me.  But, as for the baggage, I completely misread the situation.  Although he was never married, he had baggage.  A complete 11 piece matching Samsonite set circa 1970.  We both put a lot of energy into this baggage.  I had to "fight" for my rights in the relationship, which was weird, because he was a prize I didn't have any intention to win.  But, since I had put so much energy into getting this prize at the bottom of the cereal box, I might as well take it.  Somehow, we were living together. 

And, then my mom got really sick and I had to move in with her to take care of her.  It felt like we were over, but, it turns out my mom was in love with him.  My mom kept telling me not to lose him.  Well, it turned out, I always listened to my mom.  After my mom died, I was exhausted.  It was easier for him to move in with me in her apartment then it was to move.  It still seems easier. 

And, then, the final coup de gras.  He became a grandpa.  Yes, I became a grandmother in order for him to be a grandpa, but, he became a grandpa in such a big way.  Those two are best friends and partners in all things mischief.  How can you not love someone who is such a great grandpa. 

So, those were the big reasons why I am now sharing my closet space.  But, I realized something last night.  It is really the small reasons why I love him completely.  I suffer from night sweats, insomnia, panic attacks, night-mares that I think are real and in real time.  In general, sleep eludes me and even when I sleep it is not usually pleasant.  I realize what I love about him is that he will always wake up when I need him.  He will either come sit up with me or hold me close or just listen to me, but he will never fall asleep while I am talking.  He listens to me even if it is the same thing that I woke him up to the previous night.  If he needs to stay up all night with me, it is difficult for him, but, he will do it.  And, there is even a kicker.  If some reason, we are spending a night apart, I would expect him to celebrate getting a full night of uninterrupted sleep, but he doesn't.  He misses me terribly.  When we are going away, I usually suggest two queen size beds so we can both have a bed to ourselves, he won't have that, he doesn't want to sleep unless I am beside him, even though that will likely mean a poor night's sleep. 

Yes, he will always wake up when I ask. 

That's love, actually.