Enhancing Lives - Pride is Important
The woman immigrated from Britian in the early 1950s with her "female companion". Really. This was 2012. We were still referring to them as "female companions". Why not "women in comfortable shoes". Anyways, it was obvious that these two women were really in love and could not find acceptable with their own families or within their own country, so they decided to come to Canada and start life over. What amazing women who had the strength to be who they were in the 1950s. I'm sure society was not very accepting and I don't think the fresh start in Canada was all that they hoped. Sixty years later, they were still being referred to as "female companions" in air quotes.
They were both professional women and ended up buying condos next to each other. They had to maintain the illusion that they had separate residences. They never really made friendships other than themselves. I understand that. There were probably significant whispers about them throughout their lives. They weren't allowed to name each other as partners on their work benefit plans. They weren't allowed to inherit from each other. They only had each other and despite achieving some professional success, they had to hide who they really were.
They tried to reconcile with their family members but there was interest in doing that, other than a nephew of one woman. He was going through a rebellious period in the early 70s He came to Canada to know his aunt and his other aunt that was not related to him. His biological aunt died when she was 70 and he inherited from her. He gave the inheritance to his aunt's "female companion" so that she could maintain her lifestyle in her final years.
The woman whose application was now on my desk sounded like my mother. My mother never got over the heartbreak of losing the love of her life, my dad. This woman never got over the heart ache of losing the love of her life. Except my mom had a network of children, grand-children, and friends to distract her and support her. This woman never had that. She always led a lonely life and it was even lonelier after losing her "companion".
The decision for her to come to a personal care home was not by her or even with her. When I met her, she was an embittered woman in frail health. She had been done living for a long time, however, her higher power would not let her go to her final destination. She was helpless and hopeless. She struggled to find some control in her life and the only thing she was able to do was to refuse to eat and to spit out her pills. She just didn't care anymore. And, she cried all the time. Correction, she wailed loudly all the time. She was causing great disturbances and many suggested she wasn't appropriate in the setting.
When I was trying to address her behaviors, I asked her about her wife. She was quite defensive and said she had never married. I told her we both knew that wasn't true. Her tears dried and she started telling me about her wife and their life. Quite a remarkable journey. She had shut herself in for the last decade and she wasn't aware that same sex marriage was now legal. It seemed surreal to me but she really never had an opportunity to speak her truth out loud. I was amazed how little it took for this woman to start to thrive. Just a little time every day. I asked questions. We went through her things together and put up pictures of her and her wife together. She confided in me that her greatest regret was never going back to England so her and her wife had put together some money and given it to the nephew to ensure that they would both be buried next to each other in their home town in England. That is all they really wanted was to spent their eternity together. An opportunity to be loud and proud of each other. Not much different from any other couple in love.
Unfortunately, as she was empowered to speak her truth, some female staff members became reluctant to provide care. They were afraid of being molested by this frail woman in her 90s. Happily, it wasn't a sentiment shared by many but I shocked it was even a sentiment by anyone. Unfortunately, ignorance and prejudice still exist.
I explained to the resident that I knew mature women who were legally married and they belonged to organizations that tried to break down barriers for the LGBTQ community. I asked if she would like some visitors and she thought that would be wonderful. My friends were also pleased to offer some friendly visits and the odd smuggled-in spotted dick pudding. I thought to be fully above board that my friends should be registered as volunteers so that they could at least a "thank you" once a year for visiting a complete stranger. Unfortunately, the Volunteer Manager declined their application to being volunteers. When I questioned him, he said that other residents and families would be uncomfortable with "this type" of volunteers. I shook my head. In this day and age, a professional man still thought that Lesbians are predators or that they get so many points for those that they recruit?
Regardless, my resident was not only empowered but astute. She was able to find other residents who suffered from dementia and she would talk non-stop to them. She talked about her life, her love, and her dreams. It was remarkably therapeutic. The last year of her life was one of her happiest.
When her time was coming to an end, her nephew came and I got to meet this remarkable man. She was ready and her nephew stayed until she was ready to be taken across the pond to be buried next to her wife.
June is Pride month. A reminder of how much people have endured just for the opportunity to love who they choose. A reminder that we still need to be reminded that we all benefit when people are able to love who they choose.
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