Going Public



My fiance has a blog called "Struggling to Smile".  It chronicles his journey with depression.

What I like most about his blog is his courage to turn his life around.  He was only diagnosed with depression in his late forties.   Most men of this age wouldn't be comfortable with diagnosis.  For my Andrew, it was like a light turned on for him in a very dark room.   He immediately saw things more clearly in his life

What I like least about his blog is that he doesn't give me enough credit for the positive role I have played in his life !!   Just kidding !!  Andrew has done an amazing amount of work.  He has done so many things to live positively with depression.  I am so proud of him, but it definitely his journey and not mine.  

One of the things that he found most helpful was going public and telling his world that he had depression.  What a difference that has made.  He named his blog "Struggling to Smile" because he had struggled his entire life to smile.  He looked back on pictures of his life and he was almost never smiling.  Now, he openly shares how dark his world really was.   I remember one of our first dates, I made a joke and he put his hand over his mouth when he laughed.  Laughter was literally painful for him because he really didn't know how to do it.  

Although he always knew "something was wrong", he did everything he could to hide this from his world.   He was afraid of being judged.   He was afraid of reaching out for help and sharing who he really was.  He was afraid of the world finding out that he wasn't perfect and wasted years of his life being "good on paper" so that no one saw his struggle.  Although, he wasn't hiding anything.   The world knew he was struggling,  Myself included, however, I didn't realize he was dealing with depression.   I just thought he was jerk.  

What happened next for him has been remarkable.  Once he admitted to the world, but mostly himself, that he lives with depression, the world became his oyster.  Most profoundly, he has connected with people in a whole new way.   He listens to people, and because he listens, they listen back.   He chooses to see the good in himself and then by extension, he sees the good in people.   He has admitted that he has sought help through both medication and professional counselling.  When he tells people this, the world doesn't end, something he previously thought would happen.  No one sees this as a sign of weakness, they see this as a sign of strength.  

I think he will have to rename his blog soon, otherwise, he will be accused of fraud.  Recently, he received a major award for doing a hobby that he loved.   For the last two weeks, he has smiled 24/7.   He has been so happy and I am so proud of him,   I love this guy a lot.  Ironically, he never would have received this award had he remained in the closet about his depression.   Even more ironic is that he was actually hiding nothing.  His world already knew he had depression.   The secret he spent so much time hiding was not a secret to anyone.   

It reminds me a little of when Clay Aiken announced that he was gay and shocked absolutely no one.  I consider myself blessed that I was the first person that five friends chose to be the one that they first disclosed themselves as LGBTQ.  Each of these disclosures was extremely painful for me.  Each time, I wanted to honour my friends by allowing them to share their story at their own pace.  Apparently, this was difficult for them and I did not want to interrupt.   They felt they were taking an enormous risk in coming out so they struggled sharing their story.   That was hard for me as I wanted to shout that I already knew and this changed nothing in our relationships.  They thought they were sharing a closely guarded secret, but, anyone who was truly in their worlds already knew this.   

We spend a lot of time struggling to protect our secrets.  Only once we go pubic do we truly understand what a waste of time and energy that really was.   Their really are no secrets.

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