A Bad Thing Happened to Me.....And a Bad Thing Happened to Prince Harry
Oh, my blog, I've missed you.......It has been a whole week since I blogged.......it has been a whole week since I have been capable of blogging......
You see, the last week, I have been very busy "feeling" and it has turned out that I could do nothing else. In 2003, I bad thing happened to me. Prior to that, I lived a very charmed life, and all of that changed. Once the bad thing happened to me, I cried a million tears. I felt a million emotions, and I all I could do was cry. I cried until there were no more tears inside of me. Then, I decided that I wanted to get my life back. I didn't realize how much of a fight that would be. But, I did it. It was a different life, of course, one can never unring a bell, but, it was a good life and I was content. In fact, I felt I was a better person. I always said that there is a benefit to going through hell because I truly know what is and isn't a problem. And what I used to think were problems, were no longer an issue for me. It took me until 2006 to get my life back after the bad thing happened. I had three years of "feeling" things with such intensity, that I think I really never wanted to go back there. I think I stopped feeling.
Somewhere, last year, on the 10th anniversary of my new life, I started to want to feel things. I used to tell people "a bad thing happened to me", but I would never talk about it, and then, I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to feel things again. I realized that when my mother died, I said I grieved, but I really didn't. I felt sad, of course, and a sense of loss, but, I never shed a tear.
Over the last year, things have happened to me that should make me feel something. I wanted to feel something, but, I just couldn't. Friends, family, colleagues looked at me to feel something, so I pretended to feel things, but I really didn't. Also, I think I may have created situations in order to feel something. Only someone who has experienced numbness can understand what I mean.
And then, last Sunday, April 9, I watched a CBC News Special on the 100th Anniversary of the Battle of Vimy Ridge. Something happened to me while I watched this special. I started to feel. In my defense, it was very well done, both the Ceremony and the News Coverage itself. I learned a lot, but I just started to feel. I started to cry and I couldn't stop. I cried because I was experiencing tremendous sadness at the sacrifice of our soldiers; I was experiencing enormous pride of being a Canadian; I was experiencing anger at the thought of War and what is going on in the world.
And, then for the last week, all I have been doing is feel. I have felt every emotion that I have suppressed for the last ten years. Anger. Grief. Sorrow. Joy. Pride. Anger again. Pity. Emotion that I can't identify. Happiness. Loss. Emotion that I can't identify. Jealousy. Rage. Love. Emotion I can't yet identify again. Happiness. Gratitude. Exhausted. Defeated. Joy. Excited. Proud. Annoyed. Anger. Pumped. Overwhelmed. Positive. Exhausted. Disgusted. Strong. Frightened. Joy, And, that was one day. Every day for the last week. This is what I have gone through.
Feeling is more difficult than I remembered !! This time, however, I don't think I can go back. I think I am going to feel things, but, hopefully appropriately, and as they happen.
At times, during the last week, I wondered if it was really worth it. I wondered if I could put the Genie back in the bottle and stop feeling. Then, I remembered one of the moments during the coverage of the Vimy Ridge Ceremony. It was a moment that captured Prince Harry when he didn't realize he was on camera. It touched me enormously. I saw him experiencing the same emotion that I was experiencing. He was feeling both grief and pride. I could see great humility in him. In that moment, he wasn't a Prince, he was just a man experiencing the emotion of any other man. The human experience is universal.
This morning when I woke up, I felt that I was so sick of "feeling" that I wanted it to be done. Prince Harry came to my rescue. Prince Harry talked about the bad thing that had happened to him. It was a different bad thing than what I had experienced. But, it doesn't really matter. Bad things are bad things. Prince Harry revealed that this affected his whole life, but, he coped by refusing to feel. Unfortunately, that is really hard work. It is hard not to feel, and those feelings will sneak out in other ways. Finally, Harry decided he wanted to feel and he wanted to move forward. He sought professional help and did other things to heal, to feel.
And, now, he is not claiming that he is over "his bad thing" but he is claiming that he feels better after allowing himself to feel.
If Prince Harry can go on feeling, then, I feel like I can, too.
You see, the last week, I have been very busy "feeling" and it has turned out that I could do nothing else. In 2003, I bad thing happened to me. Prior to that, I lived a very charmed life, and all of that changed. Once the bad thing happened to me, I cried a million tears. I felt a million emotions, and I all I could do was cry. I cried until there were no more tears inside of me. Then, I decided that I wanted to get my life back. I didn't realize how much of a fight that would be. But, I did it. It was a different life, of course, one can never unring a bell, but, it was a good life and I was content. In fact, I felt I was a better person. I always said that there is a benefit to going through hell because I truly know what is and isn't a problem. And what I used to think were problems, were no longer an issue for me. It took me until 2006 to get my life back after the bad thing happened. I had three years of "feeling" things with such intensity, that I think I really never wanted to go back there. I think I stopped feeling.
Somewhere, last year, on the 10th anniversary of my new life, I started to want to feel things. I used to tell people "a bad thing happened to me", but I would never talk about it, and then, I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to feel things again. I realized that when my mother died, I said I grieved, but I really didn't. I felt sad, of course, and a sense of loss, but, I never shed a tear.
Over the last year, things have happened to me that should make me feel something. I wanted to feel something, but, I just couldn't. Friends, family, colleagues looked at me to feel something, so I pretended to feel things, but I really didn't. Also, I think I may have created situations in order to feel something. Only someone who has experienced numbness can understand what I mean.
And then, last Sunday, April 9, I watched a CBC News Special on the 100th Anniversary of the Battle of Vimy Ridge. Something happened to me while I watched this special. I started to feel. In my defense, it was very well done, both the Ceremony and the News Coverage itself. I learned a lot, but I just started to feel. I started to cry and I couldn't stop. I cried because I was experiencing tremendous sadness at the sacrifice of our soldiers; I was experiencing enormous pride of being a Canadian; I was experiencing anger at the thought of War and what is going on in the world.
And, then for the last week, all I have been doing is feel. I have felt every emotion that I have suppressed for the last ten years. Anger. Grief. Sorrow. Joy. Pride. Anger again. Pity. Emotion that I can't identify. Happiness. Loss. Emotion that I can't identify. Jealousy. Rage. Love. Emotion I can't yet identify again. Happiness. Gratitude. Exhausted. Defeated. Joy. Excited. Proud. Annoyed. Anger. Pumped. Overwhelmed. Positive. Exhausted. Disgusted. Strong. Frightened. Joy, And, that was one day. Every day for the last week. This is what I have gone through.
Feeling is more difficult than I remembered !! This time, however, I don't think I can go back. I think I am going to feel things, but, hopefully appropriately, and as they happen.
At times, during the last week, I wondered if it was really worth it. I wondered if I could put the Genie back in the bottle and stop feeling. Then, I remembered one of the moments during the coverage of the Vimy Ridge Ceremony. It was a moment that captured Prince Harry when he didn't realize he was on camera. It touched me enormously. I saw him experiencing the same emotion that I was experiencing. He was feeling both grief and pride. I could see great humility in him. In that moment, he wasn't a Prince, he was just a man experiencing the emotion of any other man. The human experience is universal.
This morning when I woke up, I felt that I was so sick of "feeling" that I wanted it to be done. Prince Harry came to my rescue. Prince Harry talked about the bad thing that had happened to him. It was a different bad thing than what I had experienced. But, it doesn't really matter. Bad things are bad things. Prince Harry revealed that this affected his whole life, but, he coped by refusing to feel. Unfortunately, that is really hard work. It is hard not to feel, and those feelings will sneak out in other ways. Finally, Harry decided he wanted to feel and he wanted to move forward. He sought professional help and did other things to heal, to feel.
And, now, he is not claiming that he is over "his bad thing" but he is claiming that he feels better after allowing himself to feel.
If Prince Harry can go on feeling, then, I feel like I can, too.
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