Behind Closed Doors

I have had a lot of opportunity in my professional and personal life to see what happens behind closed doors.  Believe me, I have seen it all, but I have never been shocked.  Here is what I have found out.  There is no such thing as a closed door.  Everybody can see what is happening behind that closed door.

I first came to terms with this when I was in Grade 5.  That was the year that when birthday parties changed.  No longer did you go over for a few hours on a Saturday.  Birthday parties became slumber parties.  I went to several birthday parties and had a great time.  Then, I was invited to a slumber birthday party that I didn't want to go to.  I didn't know why I didn't want to go, but I knew I definitely didn't want to go behind that closed door.  Sadly, I was right.  Both parents became very intoxicated and it was a scary night for those of us down in the basement pretending that nothing was happening upstairs.  The family endured a number of tragedies.  No one was ever surprised.  Even though they were behind closed doors, everyone knew what was happening.  

Although, I have think I am somewhat an expert on what happens behind closed doors, I think we all really know what happens behind closed doors.  We just have to trust our instincts.  

Here are some probabilities.  Have you ever been in a house that has been so clean that it looks like no one lives there?   Odds are that this is correct.  There may be a lot of people who list that home as an address but it is likely that no one "lives" there.  The people in that home are so focused on maintaining order that they don't allow anyone to stray from that order.  

Have you ever been in a home of a hoarder?   That person values clutter over people.  They value meaningless things rather than valuing people.  They have low self-esteem and can't maintain a personal relationship.  They don't value themselves so they fill their lives with things of no value as an attempt to create value for themselves.  We don't have to go behind a closed door of a hoarder to know what is going on.  It spills into all aspects of their lives.  

What about the home of a minimalist?  Of course, I'm not talking about a family that chooses to do without things that do nothing but take up space.  I'm talking about a true minimalist who things they are thriving in big empty spaces.  These may be people who were never valued in their family of origin and are still looking for someone to value them.  They don't want "stuff" distracting people from valuing them.  

A couple of years ago, I went to a social gathering at a friend of a friend.  It was a perfect evening. As it happened, I had to go to their home unannounced a couple of weeks later.  The floor was a mess and looked like it hadn't been vacuumed since I was last there.  The whole place was messy.  The wife wasn't home and the husband answered the door in his underwear and it was obvious that he and his boys had all been playing video games on the couch and eating junk food.  I was about to start gossiping about this family to tell everyone what was going on behind closed doors, when I realized that everyone in the world vacuums prior to having a social gathering.  Things are cleaned up out of respect to guests and a desire to show them a good time.  I also realized that this was a family where nothing was going on behind closed doors.  I was invited in by the husband.  He didn't care if the world knew that he was playing video games on a Saturday in his underwear.  He was not ashamed. He had a few extra pounds on him so it was not surprising that he was eating junk food.  

I made my living for a long time as a child welfare worker.  Of course, no one was elated to see me knocking at their door.  But, the ones that I helped were the ones that invited me in because they knew they weren't hiding their problems.  Someone had seen.  Someone had reported something.  I worried about the families that still had the illusion that no one could see what was going on behind closed doors.  It takes a lot of work to keep that door closed and it is wasted energy.  Everyone can see what happens behind closed doors.  

When I worked as a Mental Health Counselor in a hospital, it was a sad but true fact that every Monday I was required to see atleast one teen who had attempted to take their life on the weekend.  I never had to leave the hospital to know what was happening behind their closed doors.   

Two families stick out in my mind.  I went up to the young girl's hospital room and it looked like a Hallmark Store had spontaneously set up shop.   Balloons, stuffed animals, posters expressing love, banners, streamers, etc.  This was a family who didn't want anyone to see what was going on behind closed doors, "nothing to see here,"  I could see them trying just a little too hard to tell the girl that she was loved and everyone paid attention to her.  Obviously, the truth was that this little girl could only get attention if she made an attempt on her life."  

I was extremely nervous to go see a young man who came from the most "prominent family" in the community.  Of course, I had heard gossip that this family wasn't as "enviable" behind closed doors. The parents were very solemn.  When I arrived, they told their son that they loved him and wanted him to get help.  They told him that they would respect his privacy and to feel free to discuss anything with me that he felt would help him heal.  

Not all of us are conditioned to protect what goes on behind closed doors.  Some of us don't have anything to hide and don't have a problem admitting that they are not perfect.  Keeping a secret takes a lot of work, and the funny thing is, it is a waste of time. Odds are that you are only keeping a secret from the people who you have never met.  

How do you know that someone truly loves you?   Tell them you are no longer going to keep the secret and you are going to chose to walk your truth?   If they love you, they will wish you well and be happy that you are no longer burdened by the secret.  However, if they encourage you to keep the secret, then they don't really care.  What happens behind closed doors is more important to them.  

It is spring.  Open the doors and while you are at it, open a few windows.  Breathe some fresh air.