Consequences and Gratitude

I love my blog.  I guess I am a narcissist.  But, there is something that gives me a rush of adrenaline when I see that someone in Poland, Peru, Portugal, Phillipines,  or Papua New Guinea that I have never met nor never will is reading my words.  I really do feel that we are not exchanging ideas any more like we should, so I want to encourage more of that. 

So, I blog even though that  has a consequence for me.  Right after I post, I must immediately go into a dark room and do a mindfulness practice while giving attention to my breathing.  As I am posting my latest entry, I am aware that somewhere in the world there is someone who is getting a smart phone notification that I have posted.  He immediately reads it and while he is reading, he is seething.  He is reading only to gather information to reaffirm his hypothesis about me.  Happily for him, I give him lots of ammunition.  I don't edit so there are tons of typos, sentence structure errors, etc.  It is poorly written and it doesn't matter what I blog about, he will think it is horseradish.  He puts so much negative energy out there that I feel it deeply.  Sometimes the negative energy makes it difficult to breathe.  Sometimes in the middle of the night, I feel him reading my entries one by one correcting my grammar and seething.  I feel the energy and it feels like I am smothering.  I just have one wish.  Why can't he atleast click on my ads so I earn some revenue? 

I know that the reason he doesn't like me has nothing to do with me.  It is this idea of me that he has.  He has invested so much negative energy in me that there is no turning back.  It is just because I challenge his status quo.  I get it.  He will never believe it but as he is sending negative energy my way, I am sending positive energy his way. 

I play poker, not well, but I do play it.  There is a concept in poker called "pot committed".  Here's how it works.  Let's say I am holding pocket rockets in my hand.  I three bet the pot pre-flop to try and eliminate garbage hands.  I only have one caller.  We will call this caller, Kerran.  I have played with Kerran before and I am pretty sure she is calling with a Q-J suited.  It is a rainbow Queen high flop.  Kerran leads out with a big bet and I go over top of her.  She calls.  The turn is inconsequential.  Kerran bets again and I go over top of her again and she calls.  The pot is huge.  The river is a Jack.  I know I have lost the hand.  I know she has hit her two pair.  She bets again and even smiles at me.  I know calling is futile but there is so much money in the pot.  I am committed and I toss in my chips as she turns out her two pair. and I muck my aces.  I am a little ticked but not at Kerran.  I am ticked at myself but calling her river bet when I knew I had lost.  But, I was pot committed and there was a possibility that I could still win, even though I actually knew that I had lost. 

So, I get why he sends negative energy my way.  He is entrenched in believing I am horrid. 

The real question is why do I continue to choose to blog and put myself in this situation?  Well, because every now and then I hit the river !!  I hit it last night. 

Last night, I got a text from a friend from high school.  It was full of positive energy.  It meant the world to me and I am so grateful that I have and have had people in my life who have filled me with gratitude and blessings.  I am so blessed.  I never would have had this wonderful fullness in my heart when I received the text if I had connected with her via my blog. 

So, that is why I chose to continue to blog.  Thanks, Chick.  Thanks to readers in Peru and Portugal and people in the Ukraine who I fantasize that I am related to.  You make me. 

#Grateful.Thankful.Blessed.