It''s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year - Not for everyone

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire?  Has anyone actually seen or done this?  

I remember Boxing Day in 1992.  I got into an elevator and an older woman asked me how my Christmas was.  I could have just said "fine, thanks" and ended the conversation.  For some reason, I said, "it was awful, my father past away."  The woman hugged me and said that she had become a widow on Christmas Day a few years ago.  We ended up hugging and talking and crying for a long while after.  Then, I quickly made my way through a snow storm to a funeral home.  I can't remember which one.  I had to get there before noon and I had to sign papers in order for my father to be cremated according to his wishes.  I don't know why or how I became the family spokesperson for my father's affairs,  But, it started the day before.  We were sitting in a hospital room after my dad has passed and we were told that someone wanted to talk to the family spokesperson on the phone.  My mother and my sisters looked at me and that was my cue to go to the phone.  I don't know who it was but they told me it was hospital policy to do an autopsy on anyone who had surgery 24 hours before death, however, in these circumstances, they were hoping the family would waive autopsy.  I agreed and then had to spell my name for their records and provide my date of birth.  I told my family and they were in agreement.  My time at the funeral home took longer than I anticipated.  My father would be cremated there and then transported to Dauphin for his funeral.  There was lots of logistics to arrange.  Finally, I had to endure some Boxing Day Shopping.  I bought a nice suit that included both pants and a skirt.  The salesclerk gushed all over me and ask what special occasion I was shopping for.  I told her it was for my father's funeral.  It is funny after all this time, the details you remember and the things you forget.  

That was a long time ago.  I wish I could say that I feel joyous at Christmas, but I can't.  It is not that I can't get over it.  My father was a great man and I know he is in a better place and no longer in pain.  I think of him positively every day.  I am lucky that we had nothing unresolved when he left this Earth. 

Eight years ago,for some reason at holiday time, I was feeling joyous.  My oldest sister collapsed at Christmas and it turned out she had three giant tumours in her brain.  She died in January, but it got me back in my sad time at Christmas.  It was very difficult losing a sister.  When you are growing up, you seem to understand that your parents will pass.  I just never thought of losing a sibling.  It made me confront my own mortality.  

So, Christmas is a hard time.  But, I also know that I am not alone.  It is a hard time for many people.  Cumulatively, I have probably cried a million tears.  And, the weird thing is, when I cry those tears, I start to be guilty and worse.  I have been blessed in many ways, I don't have anything to cry about.  

So, I do the best I can to smile throughout Christmas.  It makes people uncomfortable when I say I don't like Christmas.  And, I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable.  

So, how lucky was I was to fall in love with someone who loved playing Santa.  Yes, my sweetie was a Santa pretty much everyday in December up until 2 years ago.  Two years ago, I told him that if he wanted to continue being Santa, we would have to purchase a new suit as his looked like it was 20 years old and needed repairs and it no longer fit properly, etc.  My sweetie corrected me.  The suit may have looked like it was 20 years old, but it was 33 years old.  His mother had bought it for him for him to play Santa for his nieces and nephew.  She never envisioned it was going to be used as much as it was.  I was surprised when my sweetie said it was time to end his Santa days.  The truth was he was just getting too busy with other things and he also was thinking of me.  He wanted to support me more emotionally in December.  

Two years ago, he donated it to the Salvation Army hoping it could continue to be used.  .

If there is one thing I can say about my sweetie's family, it is that none of them will ever run to be President of my fan club.  It used to bother me.  It doesn't any more.  Life is too short.  I have lots of thing about rather than dwell about something I can't control.  I am very glad that I now have a grandson so I have an excuse for not celebrating Christmas with them.  Before then, my sweetie would make excuses why I couldn't go there for Christmas.  I told him to just be honest.  I have a hard time at Christmas\and I don't want to ruin other people's good time and I can't pretend to be joyous.  

That's it.  Nothing about anyone but me.  I know I am blessed.  I know my father lived a great life.  I know my sister also lived a great life.  I am not in active mourning, it is just that I find it difficult to be joyous.  I have a friend who told me her favorite Christmas was last Christmas.  She has a big family but just finds groups to fill her with anxiety.  Last year, she declined to go anywhere and spent the day alone. It was peaceful and she felt it was the best because she didn't have to pretend.  

I know there are lots of people like me.  They find the holidays difficult and like to hibernate in their own cocoon.  Please give them the one gift that they really want.  Give them the freedom to be by themselves.  Family is always complicated.  People shouldn't have to spend a whole year trying to avoid one another only to put on a "happy face" at Christmas.  

Just.  Let it be.