Grief Reaction

6 years ago today, I lost my mom.  I was well prepared because my mom started her journey to death at the end of 1992 when my dad passed.  She never really recovered from the broken heart of living without him. 

I knew this day was coming but I also forgot, but, your body always knows, and my body forced me to remember. 

And, it is not just today.  Losing a loved one is never easy.  Grief never goes away, it just changes, and some days, it is stronger than others. 

My mom was larger than life.  Always laughing.  Always listening.  Always supportive of her friends, and she had a lot of them.  We didn't always agree and now that time has passed, I realized that it was because I was jealous of her.  Life seemed easy for her.  She made friends so easy and she had no problem standing up to anyone.  It was harder for me.  Regardless, I am grateful that in the last two years of her life that we became best friends.  It didn't mean we didn't bicker, but, we were really best friends. 

People have always told me that I reminded them of my mom.  I used to not like that and now it is a wonderful compliment. 

She loved her husband.  She loved all 5 of her children but she only gave birth to me.  She cherished her 13 grandchildren and her 7 great-grandchildren. She would have loved Ollie with all of her heart and soul. 

This day will be equally hard on Andrew.  She embraced him the first time she met him and always called him "sweetie".  I remember the first time Andrew donated blood.  My mom was so proud of him and wanted to know everything him about it and wanted to celebrate that day.  I reminded her that I also donated blood that day.  She said, "big deal, you've done it over 50 times."  That complete adoration of Andrew continued for the rest of her days.  She just really loved Andrew. 

She lived life on her own terms and she died on her own terms.  She wanted to die in her sleep in her own bed.  I think she also wanted to wait to the the time when she was convinced that Andrew and I were going to last and that I wasn't going to screw it up. 

I love my mom.  I know she is watching and giving me a not so gentle kick in the ass to get moving today.  This will be one of those days we will bicker because, whether I want it to or not, grief is just going to dictate my day. 

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