Aren't you ashamed that you are so fat?

Aren't you ashamed that you are so fat?  I don't get that question every day, but I do get that question a few times a month.  Most of the time, the question is verbal but sometimes I get the question non-verbally by the look in someone's eyes. 

It is an interesting question to answer.  First of all, I have been all sizes.  My first job with a pension plan was in a hospital and I happened to have an office next to the dietitian.  I weighed 99 lbs on my first day of work.  I remember the first Christmas party I attended as a fully employed upwardly mobile professional.  I don't remember much about the party but I remember the dress.  It was size 0.  I still have that dress.  My partner wonders why I don't donate it.  Well, there are some "clothes memories" for women that they just can't part with.  At the time, I was healthy.  I ate healthy, I ran 6 miles a day.  I thought clearly and I controlled my emotions well rarely experiencing valleys or peaks. 

The year before that I was the same size but I was unhealthy.  I was very bulimic and it affected my whole health.  I was physically sick all the time and always felt like I was going to sick.  My brain and my body was not getting nourished.  I felt my thinking was erratic and I was always emotional.  I was thin but very unhappy and very unhealthy.  I was ashamed then.  I let society's views of what a woman should be cloud and over-run my thoughts.  I had no self-worth. 

So, being all sizes, I have to tell you I wish I was thinner, but I am glad I am not as thin as I was when I first started full-time employment.  It was amazing how society responded to me.  I was "pretty Shelley" and most men that I worked with didn't know my first name but they knew me by my nice legs.  I remember a colleague who saw me going for my interview proudly told me that he told my boss to hire the one "with the nice legs."  People just didn't give me credit for being intelligent when I was that thin. 

So, am I ashamed to be fat?  Well, I am not ashamed.  I wish I was lighter and able to move more.  I am disappointed that I suffer from depression and I find it hard to make good choices for my health.  When I was skinny, I attracted a man who only cared that I was skinny.  He treated me very badly and damaged me significantly in ways that I am still struggling.  Now that I am fat, I have a man who is attracted to my personality and my humour.  He treats me like a Queen.  I am blessed.  And, he even finds me attractive.  I have a beautiful grandson who loves me who is not aware that I am fat.  He just loves me. 
I am ashamed that I know someone who thinks it is her business to ask me if I ashamed to be fat?  I am ashamed that I let her occupy space in my head and make me feel bad.  Her daughter is getting married this spring, she would like to invite me but she wants her daughter's wedding to be perfect and doesn't want it ruined by my fatness.  Yes, I'm not making this up.  If I can promise to lose 40 lbs by summer, she will hold a spot for me to attend.  It's ok, I was not planning on attending anyway.  I am ashamed for her that she is passing down fat-shaming to her progeny.  Nothing to be proud of, but, in this age, of political correctness, fat-shaming seems the only acceptable way to publicly put people down. 

The same person has also asked me if I was ashamed when my daughter became pregnant while still a teenager?  Well, I think of all the things she could have told me like "I have a terminal disease" or "I committed a crime", I certainly wasn't ashamed that she was bringing a human into this world. 

I wish just once I could be petty and judgmental and ask some questions back?  "Aren't you ashamed that you have filed for bankruptcy three times?"  "Aren't you ashamed that you have been unable to keep employment?"  "Aren't you ashamed that you have no friends?"  But, I would be ashamed of myself if I asked such questions. 

Anyway, gotta go and eat a big lunch.  It will be a healthy keto lunch but I will eat more than I should because, I admit it, I like tasty food.  I am eating healthier in order to keep my diabetes under control.  I am not ashamed to have diabetes, however, I think I owe it to society to keep it under control to eliminate health care costs down the road for all taxpayers. 

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