Before - Day 1

I've tried, but, I just can't get enough steps in by myself.  I need to join a gym.  It is more than difficult.  I have joined many gyms in the past.  In my twenties, I ran 35 miles/week and was very fit.  I only have myself to blame that I have let myself get to this point of sedentary life.  It is embarrassing.  I would like to say that it is hard to look at myself in the mirror but that is irrelevant.  That is one of my problem.  Something bad happened to me in 2003.  Since that time, I don't look at myself in the mirror.  I also purposely put on weight so I would look unattractive.  Initially, it was purposeful.  Then, it becomes something that just happens.  I have problems sleeping.  I'm afraid of everything.  Random situations trigger panic attacks.  Then, I am mad at myself for all of this.  I have lost and found a lot of weight over decades.

The thought of going to a gym makes me go on a journey of self-hate.  I know I will be the only one at my size.  When I first joined a gym, I was 20 something and single.  I had every fitness accessory that was on the market and wore expensive one-piece spandex outfits.  I know how I judged women who looked like me, and I know I will be on the receiving end of those looks.

I tried a gym about a year ago and the staff were so enthusiastic and also on commission.  I didn't like being pressured to get my own personal trainer.  I have a hard time standing myself up for myself so I wasn't able to say that I was at such a beginner level that I didn't want that.  Not only did I not want that, I wouldn't be capable of doing it so I was being set up for failure.  I would feel guilty and beat myself up and emotionally eat and be more afraid to go outside.

People don't understand that aspect of depression.  Some see me as out-going and professional so they don't believe that I am depressed.  They see me laughing.  Well, that is the thing about depression.   When you are very familiar with a role, you play it well.  It is like playing a song on the piano that you know by heart and don't need sheet music for.  It is like when you are driving to a familiar destination.  It seems like you don't have to concentrate because the car knows its way.  So, I am not faking being sick.  I am faking being well.

Anyway, the ironic thing about gyms is that they need people like me to keep them in the black.  The fit people are always going to join gyms to maintain that.  They don't have to cater to these customers. They are going to renew their memberships no matter what. In order to grow your business, you need people like me.  People who are coming to the gym because their health seems to be at a crisis point.  People who don't want to come.  People who actually need to come.

So, I got a flyer in the mail advertising a no-commitment membership.  That's what I need.  Believe me, I sincerely want to join a gym long term.  But, in addition to depression, PTSD, I also suffer from generalized anxiety and I am prone to quitting things whenever I am challenged.  I get challenged easily.  Well, actually not me.  My disease.

I took a risk.  I phoned a gym and explained my boundaries.  I wanted to join the no-commitment membership and I also didn't want any pressure and I wanted to be able to come forward with questions, but let me have the space to do so.  I spoke to an amazing young man named Tony who was positive and understanding.  We had a great conversation and I made an appointment for that day.  It was ok and my boundaries were respected, however, I needed to have an appointment with a trainer just to have the circuit training explained.  Fair enough.  I was introduced to the trainer that I would be spending time with and an appointment was set for 930 am today. 

So, I arrived at 915 so I could do a warm-up on the treadmill.  Tony was excited to see me on my first official day.  What an excellent ambassador and a pro in customer service.  Unfortunately, he sets the bar too high. 

At 9:30, I am ready to meet with the 20 trainer without an ounce of fat on her.  We are sure to hit it off as we have so much in common.  At 9:40, I go to the desk and inquire with Tony.  He is going to check it out for me and tells me to go warm up on the treadmill.  He tells me everything is all good and I need to chill.  He's right, but I'm not the chill type of gal, especially when I am terrified of this new experience.  Tony approaches me again.  Apparently, the woman I was supposed to meet with has been detained at her other job but he has managed to get another guy to agree to meet with me at 10 am. 

So, at 10 am, my original millenium shows up and is not too concerned that she was late.  I explain that this was hard for me to even come and I am not pleased that she was late.  Why?  She asks, weren't you planning on staying for atleast an hour.  I don't think I can match her condescending tone.  I know this is just a generation thing and we have different values about time.  I explain that an appointment is a commitment and it is not very professional to be late.  That sound you hear is her rolling her eyes.  So, she makes amends by rushing through the demonstration as quickly as possible.  It is an odd way to treat a customer that you want to make a loyal customer.  Later, I see her floating around and having long conversations with fit people in their 20s.  What are the odds that she will ever talk to me again? 

Regardless, I am not going to be deterred on the first day of the rest of my life.  I spend a total of 60 minutes cumulatively on the treadmill and do one circuit strength training.  And, spend 30 minutes (yes, two session!) in the massage chair.  Massage is something that is always recommended to me but, for reasons that are probably apparent, I don't like being touched. 

Anyway, so I have started.  I won't be telling you my progress every day or even very often.  But, I have started.