Are family traits your destiny?

My partner may not be perfect but he is perfect for me.  We have grown into a wonderful mutually supportive relationship.  We both have many passions, some of which we share, but we are most passionate about each other.  I am proud of him for so many reasons.  He gives back to the world more than he takes and he loves my children and is completely in love with our grandson.  I am very proud of him.

But, getting back to the "not perfect" part, he does do something that really bugs me.   When I point it out, he shrugs and says that it is a family trait and that everyone in his family does that so he is powerless to stop.  He says he doesn't like this trait either but it is out of his control.   I keep pointing out that it is just learned behavior which can be extinguished if he wants.  He says he does want to get rid of this trait, but I think in some way, he feels that he might be betraying his family if he gives up this trait.   

I think part of it is that we have a very different understanding of family.  He grew up in a city in a nuclear family with no extended family in any proximity.  His parents divorced when he was an impressionable teenager.  That is a time when you need to feel a part of something.   He has a few "blood relatives" living continents away that he has met less than a handful of times, yet he clings to this notion that they are his family.  He probably has very little in common with these people, yet, they are very special to him as they are his family.  

I have a different notion of family.  First of all, I grew up in a small town.  If a bunch of us were playing in the park and one mother decided it was time for their child to go home, it was time for all of us to go home.  

I always say that I grew up with all the advantages of being an only child and all the advantages of being from a large family.  I was the only child of my parents, but my father had four children with his first wife.  They were much older than me, but there was never a moment in my life that I didn't consider then my brothers and sisters.  

I had a very large extended family.  I had my Auntie Pauline and Uncle Gordie, my Auntie Marlene and Uncle Bruce, my Auntie Tywla and Uncle Doc, my Auntie Eileen and Uncle Jim, and my Auntie Alice.  I also had a Nana Grey.  None of these people were related to me by blood, yet I had a wonderful loving relationship with all of them.  It was understood that any of them would have had control of me at any time if they wanted.  I was to listen and love them all unconditionally.  

I also had my Uncle Al and Auntie Boots, my Uncle Johnny and Auntie Jessie, and my Uncle Roman and Auntie Madeline.  These people also were not my "true" Aunts and Uncles but distant cousins, yet they were revered members of my family.   

I also had my Aunt Bertha, Uncle Abby and Auntie Ruth.  Bertha and Abby were siblings of my father's first wife.  I guess he got them in the divorce.  Growing up, I didn't know how they fit it in but it didn't matter because they were my family.  I only found out one day when I heard my Uncle Abby tell my mother that he loved her as a sister.  I knew my mom didn't have siblings, so that is when I asked.  

Then, there was my dad's girlfriend, Tricia.  She was a woman in her twenties that my father befriended when he was in his late 70s.  She looked at him as a father figure and they became best friends.   So, of course, she was part of our family.  My mom and I didn't have a defined role for her so we just referred to her as my dad's girlfriend.  

My Auntie Alice had an elderly neighbour down the street who didn't have much family.   She introduced him into our fold and he became my Uncle Pete.   There was a whole other long list of people who were part of my family but didn't have a title.   

I was grateful to have so much love around me and what I learned was that love was a renewable resource and not finite.  The more you loved, the more you had more love to give.  I also learned that you got to choose your family.   My parents chose well for me.   I had a really loving extended family.  

Only one time was I confused about my family.  I was about 8 at the time.  I came downstairs for breakfast and my dad was talking on the phone.  I asked my mom what was going on and she told me that my father's mother had just passed away.  I felt sad for my dad but I had only met my grandmother a couple of times and she was invalid so I didn't have any relationship with her.  I asked my mom who my dad was talking to.  She said he was talking to his brother and they were making arrangements to go to the funeral.  My dad had a brother.  I had no idea.  I listened to the conversation and my dad was going to pick up his brother and drive him to Ontario for the funeral.  My dad not only had a brother but he was within driving distance!  When he hung up, I asked my dad what his brother's name was and where he lived.  My dad told me it didn't matter and I was never going to meet him.  That was good enough for me.  I was a little bit curious but I trusted my dad.  He had never been wrong before when choosing my family.  For some reason, he didn't think his brother was good enough to be my uncle.  

When you become a young woman, you learn the value of sisterhood.  My closest friends were my sisters.  That remains true today.  Some people have trouble understanding why some of my sisters have a different skin colour than I do.  

I always embraced the concept of choosing your family and now the world has as well.  The world is now full of "brother from anotha mother" or "sister from a different mister".  

About half a year ago, an angel was born into the world.  I had a new nephew.  When my partner came to see this miracle, the mother handed him this bundle of joy and told the baby to welcome his "Uncle Andrew".  My partner told me how surprised he was that he was called Uncle.  I didn't understand it.  The mother was one of my sisters and a dear friend of both of ours.  Of course, he was this baby's Uncle.  I think that was one of the first times that my partner started to believe that we get to choose our family.  

There is an old saying, "you get to choose your friends, but you don't get to choose your family."  It turns out that is all it is.  An old saying.

Now, back to my partner's negative family trait.   It is not a destiny, it is just a characteristic.  In reality, a learned behavior.  That's all.  You can extinguish it with some work and replace it with another trait from your non-blood family.   

You will always love your family of origin.  Rejecting one aspect of this does not mean that you love them less or you are betraying them.  It is just common sense.  Of course, when it comes to family, we never rely on common sense.  Families are always complicated.   But, we are all independent living organisms capable of origin thought.  Create your own destiny by living the life you want to live.