Suicide Notes
I came across a site devoted to publishing actual suicide notes. I read all the notes because they were interesting and from there I came across more sites devoted to suicide notes.
I feel obligated to say this in case any of my health care team happen to be reading. I have no thoughts of harming myself of anyone else. I am currently receiving treatment for depression and my health care team must always ask me that question.
Some of the notes were very raw with emotion. Some were very thoughtful and look like that had been fourth and fifth drafts. Unfortunately, the majority of them were angry and pointed out who had done them wrong and what was done to them. It was very sad reading how many of them were aimed at an ex-partner, particularly someone going through a bitter divorce.
I have gone through a bitter divorce and I can attest that you go through a lot of feelings, although I never entertained the idea of leaving my children behind. It is just sad though, that a union that is supposedly based on love can lead to this.
It was sad that a number of them ended with, "I hope you are happy." A couple of them even said, "I can hardly wait to see your face at my funeral." Or they ensured that the person that wronged them would be the one to find the author of the note just to see the look on their face. Obviously, this is irrational thinking. If you do complete suicide, you will be dead and in no position to be seeing anyone's face at a funeral.
Some notes were love letters. A middle aged married woman with a terminal diagnosis did not want to waste all the family resources on her treatment which would at best buy her more time suffering.
I felt like a trespasser reading these notes. Reading people's most private thoughts and their last words. Why was I reading them? Well, actually because I grew up in a small town that went through a few years of what I would call a suicide epidemic. I knew a number of people who completed the act, and I kept questioning why every single time. I saw how the families left behind were destroyed. I remember one guy who took his life and told everyone for about three days what he was planning. We were teenagers then and we didn't believe him. It was decades ago and we had no education on the subject. We dismissed it as a cry for attention, which it was, but for some unknown reason, we didn't give him the attention that he was crying out for.
I was reading these notes for some insight into why. There was never one reason. Some of the reasons didn't make sense. However, there was one common note in every note. Each note expressed some ambivalence. Each author expressed some doubt about what they were planning.
That was the take away message that I got from reading these notes. Ambivalence. A cry for help. The site urged anyone who feels an urge to harm themselves should contact their local crisis centre. As I said at the beginning, I have never felt the urge to harm myself, however, over the last month I have felt myself experiencing an emotional crisis. I called my local crisis centre three times. Each time I received a busy signal. Happily for me, I have a really good support system. I was able to call and talk to one of the people in my support system to help me ease my emotional turmoil.
It is obvious we need more supports out there for people to call, to reach out, to talk through their ambivalence. Human life should be the most valuable resource we have. We need to be more vigilant with our friends, our colleagues, our family who may be reaching out to us for help. We need to remind them of what they have to live for, even if it is just us.
It is much easier to express joy that someone has survived a feeling of desperation than it will ever be to be left trying to answer the question, "why?"
I feel obligated to say this in case any of my health care team happen to be reading. I have no thoughts of harming myself of anyone else. I am currently receiving treatment for depression and my health care team must always ask me that question.
Some of the notes were very raw with emotion. Some were very thoughtful and look like that had been fourth and fifth drafts. Unfortunately, the majority of them were angry and pointed out who had done them wrong and what was done to them. It was very sad reading how many of them were aimed at an ex-partner, particularly someone going through a bitter divorce.
I have gone through a bitter divorce and I can attest that you go through a lot of feelings, although I never entertained the idea of leaving my children behind. It is just sad though, that a union that is supposedly based on love can lead to this.
It was sad that a number of them ended with, "I hope you are happy." A couple of them even said, "I can hardly wait to see your face at my funeral." Or they ensured that the person that wronged them would be the one to find the author of the note just to see the look on their face. Obviously, this is irrational thinking. If you do complete suicide, you will be dead and in no position to be seeing anyone's face at a funeral.
Some notes were love letters. A middle aged married woman with a terminal diagnosis did not want to waste all the family resources on her treatment which would at best buy her more time suffering.
I felt like a trespasser reading these notes. Reading people's most private thoughts and their last words. Why was I reading them? Well, actually because I grew up in a small town that went through a few years of what I would call a suicide epidemic. I knew a number of people who completed the act, and I kept questioning why every single time. I saw how the families left behind were destroyed. I remember one guy who took his life and told everyone for about three days what he was planning. We were teenagers then and we didn't believe him. It was decades ago and we had no education on the subject. We dismissed it as a cry for attention, which it was, but for some unknown reason, we didn't give him the attention that he was crying out for.
I was reading these notes for some insight into why. There was never one reason. Some of the reasons didn't make sense. However, there was one common note in every note. Each note expressed some ambivalence. Each author expressed some doubt about what they were planning.
That was the take away message that I got from reading these notes. Ambivalence. A cry for help. The site urged anyone who feels an urge to harm themselves should contact their local crisis centre. As I said at the beginning, I have never felt the urge to harm myself, however, over the last month I have felt myself experiencing an emotional crisis. I called my local crisis centre three times. Each time I received a busy signal. Happily for me, I have a really good support system. I was able to call and talk to one of the people in my support system to help me ease my emotional turmoil.
It is obvious we need more supports out there for people to call, to reach out, to talk through their ambivalence. Human life should be the most valuable resource we have. We need to be more vigilant with our friends, our colleagues, our family who may be reaching out to us for help. We need to remind them of what they have to live for, even if it is just us.
It is much easier to express joy that someone has survived a feeling of desperation than it will ever be to be left trying to answer the question, "why?"
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