Don't speak ill of The Dead


You have all seen it.  The Obituary.  The one that has caused so much discussion.  It has been removed from the original web site that it was on, but it is still readily available.

People are criticizing the two adult children who wrote the obituary from their absent mother.  They indicate they have no regrets and feel a sense of vindication having written it.  I hope it provides them the closure they have been looking for (for decades) but I don't think it will.

I don't know the deceased but I am sure she was a horrible woman.  I don't know that from the obituary.  I know that from the fact that she died alone and had no one to say anything nice about her at the time of her passing.

I feel sorry for her children that they have been caring the pain of abandonment for almost 6 decades.  That is a long time.

I worked in a personal care home for over 10 years and saw the pain on many people's faces.  They had children and would have given anything for their children to come visit.  I often tried to mediate and when I reached out to some children, they would really tell me horrid stories of their lives, and I understood how complicated families are.  I know some children who would visit their aged parents for 10 minutes a week just out of perceived duty and obligation.

Death can be a release in that it relieves the suffering of those who depart us and it can also release the suffering of those who are left behind.

I think we have all been to funerals where we have seen people cry over people they didn't like or that have made the deceased sound like a saint when they were a sinner.

I try not to judge anyone in these complicated situations.

I remember my father dying and shortly before that he said how lucky the two of us were because we never had a day that we didn't like each other.  It was very true.  My father was my best friend.  At times in my life, I didn't connect well with my mother.  Both of us threatened to cut each other out of our lives many times.  People thought it was because we were too much alike.  I don't know about that, but, I do know that during the last two years of her life, we became best friends.  I was blessed and I knew that was the best gift her and I could give to my father.

Life is ridiculously complicated and all human beings are deeply flawed.

But, with all good discussions that rise out of something on the internet, there is judgement on all sides.  It is an ethical and personal issue and I try not to judge people, but there is one statement that has emerged from something many of us learned as children.  I judge that statement.

Don't speak ill of the dead.  I think that is wrong.  While I don't necessarily condone radical obituaries, I don't think it is wrong to speak ill of the dead.

First of all, the person is dead so it is not like they can hear you.  Speaking ill of the dead may provide healing for others.  It may be freedom to some.  While I don't think we should speak only ill of the dead, I think it is important to accept that we are all flawed human beings and we will all makes mistakes.  Life, in addition to being complicated, is often messy.  We shouldn't pretend that there weren't some messes along the way.  Death should not give you an automatic pardon if you committed evil.

As the astute Dorothy Parker once said, "there is only one thing worse than people talking about you behind your back.  That is people not talking about you behind your back."

So, don't worry about what people will say after you are gone.  You don't have control over that.  What you do have control over is building a life worth living so that your actions will be talked about after you are gone.

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