Acquaintance to Friend to Something More
There is actually some science to developing friendships. First of all, people become acquaintances. That means that they know each other, usually in one setting. We know parents whose children are members of the same sports time as your child, for example. They are acquaintances because all we really have in common is our children's activities. Some people are comfortable having lots of acquaintances and never desire the relationship to progress further.
You cross the acquaintance threshold into the friend zone when you decide to take the relationship to a different level. You get to know that person in more than one setting. You go out for coffee with an acquaintance that you know from the gym. You start meeting acquaintances from work on Fridays for a week-end beverage and debrief. You talk and you find out more than them. There are casual friends. You enjoy spending time with them, but you are not going to trust them with your deepest secrets.
Friendships can progress from there but they need time and mutual disclosure. Friendships develops when people spent a considerable amount of time together in a variety of settings. As friendships progress, we share things about our lives, our hopes, our fears that you would not share with anyone else but a close friend. For the friendship to become true and long-lasting, both parties have to share and at relative the same pace. A friendship will not go any further if one party never feels comfortable sharing or alternatively if one party shares too much or too soon.
Intimate friendships occur when the friends feel comfortable crossing a personal boundary and knowing that the friendship will survive. It takes a real friend to tell you that, "yes, you do look fat in those pants" or feeling comfortable to just walk in your home without calling first or seeing you without your make-up. In very real terms, a true friend sees the real you without the masks we put on for everyone else, and loves you anyway. You usually share something unique to the two of you like an inside joke or an experience that only the two of you have had.
All of these levels of progressions must exist for a healthy friendship.
Whenever I think of the development of friendship, I think of my friend, Jana. It didn't look like we would ever progress from acquaintance to friendship, and then something happened.
Jana was my mom's bestfriend's daughter. She was a few years older than me. Her mom was my Auntie Pauline and my mom was her Auntie Lil. So, we had been acquaintances my entire life. We lived in difference cities so all we had in common was that our moms were friends. Then, while I was in high school, Jana was given a four month internship in our town. Our moms were both thrilled. Jana could live with us for four months. My Auntie Pauline was thrilled that her daughter would be staying with someone she trusted completely. My mom was thrilled that she was able to help out her friend.
So, there we were living together. Seeing each other in our pyjamas at breakfast, watching tv together, and doing chores side by side. But despite this contact, we remained acquaintances, maybe even less. We had different personalities. Jana was laid back and thoughtful and an introvert. I was passionate, opinionated, and an extrovert. We really didn't have much in common. Plus, now that Jana was there and doing chores, I had to start doing chores. My parents went out of their way to make her feel welcome. They started buying and cooking Jana's favorite foods, which means they were no longer buying and cooking my favorite foods. When we did family activities or watched a movie together, it was always Jana's choice. Plus, she shared a passion for gardening with my father so they were spending a lot of time together. I was a Princess dethroned.
My mom kept trying to find things in common for us to do together and we both tired of this. Jana and I knew we would never be "besties" so we were easily tired of my mom's efforts. Then, my mom had a brain wave. It turned out that Jana and I both wanted to lose 5 lbs. My mom suggested that we bike the a four mile course together each day. To placate her, we decided to do this. We actually enjoyed this. We didn't have to talk too much and there was lots of see on our route and started keeping track of our times with the goal of decreasing our time. We were becoming friends.
Then, one Saturday morning, we just didn't feel like going. We both felt lazy and like we wanted the day off. My mom was really committed to our friendship and didn't want this day off to become the beginning of the end. My mom strongly encouraged us to go for our ride. We were tired of listening to her, so we set off on our route.
The turnoff to our regular route was only one block away so we had to work fast and we had to take some risks. I don't know which one of came up with this idea or who went first, but we both agreed that instead of biking four miles, we were going to bike to the Ice Cream Store and get parfaits. Now, we had a shared experience. We were going to deceive my mother. We had to come with justifications together. We had worked hard all week. We deserved a treat, a reward for our good behavior. Besides, it wasn't a total loss. We were still biking to the Ice Cream place so it wasn't like we weren't biking at all. Our local ice-cream shop was amazing so there always a line up. The parfait was the most decadent item they had and took a while to make, but it was worth it. It tasted extra amazing because this was our secret.
We biked home and as soon as we were aware that my mom could see us from the window, we started struggling with our biking. We were going to make this good. We didn't have to talk about this but both of us entered the home out of breath and gasping for air. We attributed it to the incredible workout we just achieved. We had really pushed ourselves,
My mom was so proud of us. Here we didn't want to go, and yet we did !! She thought this was so amazing and we deserved a treat. Get in the car, girls !! I'm going to buy you both parfaits.
I thought one of us would come clean. I thought one of us would tell the truth. I thought one of would explain that we had already had our treat, just for the simple reason that it was likely impossible to eat two parfaits in a day. Instead, we both were in the car before my mom could even find her wallet.
We arrived and joined the line-up at the ice-cream shop. The line was pretty extensive and there were four cashiers. The only thing that could go wrong was getting the same cashier that we had half an hour earlier. Of course, that happened. We stepped up and my mom ordered three parfaits. The cashier gave us were judgey looks. It didn't bother us. We were in too deep. We stared her down. The second parfaits were a little harder to get down but just as tasty.
When we got home, we decided to go for another bike ride. My mom was over the moon impressed. We biked to the nearest part two blocks away and sat on the swings and laughed for an hour.
So, we jumped a lot of stages of friendship on that day. We went from acquaintances way past friendship to sisterhood in one day. That is what happens when you put one over on your mom. That bond is forever !!
You cross the acquaintance threshold into the friend zone when you decide to take the relationship to a different level. You get to know that person in more than one setting. You go out for coffee with an acquaintance that you know from the gym. You start meeting acquaintances from work on Fridays for a week-end beverage and debrief. You talk and you find out more than them. There are casual friends. You enjoy spending time with them, but you are not going to trust them with your deepest secrets.
Friendships can progress from there but they need time and mutual disclosure. Friendships develops when people spent a considerable amount of time together in a variety of settings. As friendships progress, we share things about our lives, our hopes, our fears that you would not share with anyone else but a close friend. For the friendship to become true and long-lasting, both parties have to share and at relative the same pace. A friendship will not go any further if one party never feels comfortable sharing or alternatively if one party shares too much or too soon.
Intimate friendships occur when the friends feel comfortable crossing a personal boundary and knowing that the friendship will survive. It takes a real friend to tell you that, "yes, you do look fat in those pants" or feeling comfortable to just walk in your home without calling first or seeing you without your make-up. In very real terms, a true friend sees the real you without the masks we put on for everyone else, and loves you anyway. You usually share something unique to the two of you like an inside joke or an experience that only the two of you have had.
All of these levels of progressions must exist for a healthy friendship.
Whenever I think of the development of friendship, I think of my friend, Jana. It didn't look like we would ever progress from acquaintance to friendship, and then something happened.
Jana was my mom's bestfriend's daughter. She was a few years older than me. Her mom was my Auntie Pauline and my mom was her Auntie Lil. So, we had been acquaintances my entire life. We lived in difference cities so all we had in common was that our moms were friends. Then, while I was in high school, Jana was given a four month internship in our town. Our moms were both thrilled. Jana could live with us for four months. My Auntie Pauline was thrilled that her daughter would be staying with someone she trusted completely. My mom was thrilled that she was able to help out her friend.
So, there we were living together. Seeing each other in our pyjamas at breakfast, watching tv together, and doing chores side by side. But despite this contact, we remained acquaintances, maybe even less. We had different personalities. Jana was laid back and thoughtful and an introvert. I was passionate, opinionated, and an extrovert. We really didn't have much in common. Plus, now that Jana was there and doing chores, I had to start doing chores. My parents went out of their way to make her feel welcome. They started buying and cooking Jana's favorite foods, which means they were no longer buying and cooking my favorite foods. When we did family activities or watched a movie together, it was always Jana's choice. Plus, she shared a passion for gardening with my father so they were spending a lot of time together. I was a Princess dethroned.
My mom kept trying to find things in common for us to do together and we both tired of this. Jana and I knew we would never be "besties" so we were easily tired of my mom's efforts. Then, my mom had a brain wave. It turned out that Jana and I both wanted to lose 5 lbs. My mom suggested that we bike the a four mile course together each day. To placate her, we decided to do this. We actually enjoyed this. We didn't have to talk too much and there was lots of see on our route and started keeping track of our times with the goal of decreasing our time. We were becoming friends.
Then, one Saturday morning, we just didn't feel like going. We both felt lazy and like we wanted the day off. My mom was really committed to our friendship and didn't want this day off to become the beginning of the end. My mom strongly encouraged us to go for our ride. We were tired of listening to her, so we set off on our route.
The turnoff to our regular route was only one block away so we had to work fast and we had to take some risks. I don't know which one of came up with this idea or who went first, but we both agreed that instead of biking four miles, we were going to bike to the Ice Cream Store and get parfaits. Now, we had a shared experience. We were going to deceive my mother. We had to come with justifications together. We had worked hard all week. We deserved a treat, a reward for our good behavior. Besides, it wasn't a total loss. We were still biking to the Ice Cream place so it wasn't like we weren't biking at all. Our local ice-cream shop was amazing so there always a line up. The parfait was the most decadent item they had and took a while to make, but it was worth it. It tasted extra amazing because this was our secret.
We biked home and as soon as we were aware that my mom could see us from the window, we started struggling with our biking. We were going to make this good. We didn't have to talk about this but both of us entered the home out of breath and gasping for air. We attributed it to the incredible workout we just achieved. We had really pushed ourselves,
My mom was so proud of us. Here we didn't want to go, and yet we did !! She thought this was so amazing and we deserved a treat. Get in the car, girls !! I'm going to buy you both parfaits.
I thought one of us would come clean. I thought one of us would tell the truth. I thought one of would explain that we had already had our treat, just for the simple reason that it was likely impossible to eat two parfaits in a day. Instead, we both were in the car before my mom could even find her wallet.
We arrived and joined the line-up at the ice-cream shop. The line was pretty extensive and there were four cashiers. The only thing that could go wrong was getting the same cashier that we had half an hour earlier. Of course, that happened. We stepped up and my mom ordered three parfaits. The cashier gave us were judgey looks. It didn't bother us. We were in too deep. We stared her down. The second parfaits were a little harder to get down but just as tasty.
When we got home, we decided to go for another bike ride. My mom was over the moon impressed. We biked to the nearest part two blocks away and sat on the swings and laughed for an hour.
So, we jumped a lot of stages of friendship on that day. We went from acquaintances way past friendship to sisterhood in one day. That is what happens when you put one over on your mom. That bond is forever !!
Comments
Post a Comment