Working with people with dementia

People often ask me how I work with people with dementia?  They perceive that it must be really difficult and think that I must have a great deal of patience.  They think my days are really stressful.

Personally, I can't believe how lucky I am that I work with people with dementia.  My work days are very rich and full of joy.  

Here are a few reasons why my days are so fulfilling:

First of all, I never think that I am working with people with dementia.  I just think that I am working with people.  In fact, many days I wish more people had dementia.  People with a diagnosis of dementia seldom have a hidden agenda and are genuine in their thoughts.  They rarely have an intent to hurt you with their words.  Every day when I am work someone tells me I'm beautiful, and I know they really mean it.  Every day, I get hugs and I know they are sincere expressions of compassion.  It is very fulfilling and I don't know many workplaces where you get that.  Also, I love the honesty.  One day, a woman pulled me aside and she asked me if I remembered the purple dress that I had worn yesterday.  I had.  She then told me, "good, burn it."  She, of course, was right.  I wasn't hurt because she was saying it with love in order to help me !!

Sometimes people get impatient with the same repetitive questions over and over.   I remember one woman who said, "I don't know what to do" over and over and over.  Literally, over and over and over and over.  It was very frustrating.  I was lucky to be there one day when she had just gotten up and made it her to the Nursing Station.  She was just about to say it when a very kind Nurse came up to her first and said, "Hi, do you not now what to do?"  It stopped this lady in her tracks.  Then, the Nurse said she needed her help.  She had a bunch of cards, Christmas cards, Birthday cards, Mother's day cards, etc.  The Nurse asked the woman to sort them out for her.  It took her about an hour, and then she sorted them again and again.  Others couldn't help to notice, and before you knew it, everyday someone was bringing in something for her to do and having positive conversations with her.  That is the key to working with people with dementia.  Take them literally.  When they say, "they don't know what to do", believe them and find them something to do.  If they say, "I need to get out of here right now", believe them.  Take them for a short walk, get some fresh air.  It is likely ten minutes very well spent that will save hours of work down the road.

How does it usually work out for you when you try to force your spouse/partner to do something they don't want to do?   It doesn't really go well, so why would we expect to work any better with people with dementia?  If someone doesn't really want to get up in the morning and they don't have work or an appointment to go to, is that really a problem?  My partner wanted to sleep in this morning, and I did something revolutionary, I let him.  Had I forced him to get up when I get up, which is usually 6 am, it likely wouldn't have been a good morning for either of us.  He might have been resentful when I would force him to make my breakfast when he was still sleepy.  I would force him to watch the Sunday am news shows with me.  Many Sundays he pretends he likes them, but, I just had a hunch that there would be no pretending today.  So, I let him sleep in and he woke up rested and refreshed and on his terms.  He is so rested and full of energy that he is busy spring cleaning.  It worked out best for him, and happily I have a blog so I can't help him, A win/win for both of us,  just because he got up when he wanted.  People with dementia are still people.  They still want the same choices.  They don't have to get up because it is convenient for staff. It is actually more convenient for staff if they get up when they choose.   I often skip breakfast and have a cup of coffee instead.  I may have a mid-morning snack instead.   Nobody tells me that I can't.  For some reason, we have been conditioned to think that once someone has dementia, that we need to tell them what to do.  We don't. We need to listen more.  We have one mouth and two ears for a reason.  We should use our ears twice as much as our mouths.  Often people with dementia tell us things that doesn't make sense to us, but makes perfect sense to them.  We have to work with them so that we understand each other.

I am not saying it is simple to work with people with dementia, because it isn't.  But, it is often common sense.  The difficult thing is to make common sense common practice.