But, he is demented !

I have worked with the elderly for more than a decade.  It is challenging work but it is also unbelievably rewarding.  No matter how challenging, I find something rewarding in every single day.  A smile costs nothing and it brightens up someone's day.  I was really fortunate when I chose my parents and I hit the jackpot.  Both of them gave me wisdom.  I may not have gotten it at the time, but it makes so much sense now.  It helped that they shared incredible life lessons in Coles Notes versions.  Both my parents used to tell me that it costs nothing to make someone's day, so you should do it at every opportunity. 

It is amazing how easy it is to do with the elderly.  Asking a question about their lives, giving them the slightest compliment, they glow.  And, the thing is, I feel better than they do by making their day.  Sometimes I feel guilty getting paid.  That feeling soon passes, of course.  I remember one of my first days working with an elderly woman who was living with dementia.  I told her she had beautiful skin and asked what her secret was.  She said, "you don't need any help from me, you are beautiful."  I said, "really", and because I was having one of those low self-esteem days, I added, "no one has told me that before."  She replied, "oh, have you lived your whole life without a mirror?  Let's find a mirror so you can look at yourself."  She found a mirror and made me look.  I told her she was going to be late for breakfast so we needed to go.  She told me she missed breakfasts for a lot less important things and she made me look in the mirror while she described to me what I was looking at.  I learned a valuable lesson.  Don't wear make-up to work.  I cried as this woman worked her magic and was able to convince me that I was beautiful.  I will never forget this woman.  She had forgotten many things and probably couldn't tell you that 2+2=4, but I will never forget her kindness and how she made me feel.  For my parents and this woman, I try to make people feel good every day. 

I have learned a great deal about dementia.  I have even had the pleasure of teaching about dementia.  There is still much we have to learn and researchers and scientists are helping with this.  There are several types of dementia and everyone living with dementia has their own path.  No two people are going to display the same symptoms at the same time with the same progression, etc. Not every elderly person will develop dementia.  However, the brain is an organ.  As we age, all of our organs will atrophy, which means they will decline in functioning.  So, as you age, you will experience some mild cognitive decline in functioning associated with normal aging.  This is not dementia.  This is mild cognitive decline associated with age. 

My maternal grandfather immigrated from the Ukraine. He was a very intelligent man but he had not had the opportunity to do formal schooling.  He did everything he could to learn.  He read voraciously and self-taught himself many skills.  He was the only one I knew that could do three digit multiplication in his head.  One day, he phoned my mother and told her it was time to lock him up because he had gone senile. (That is what it was called then, oh vey.) Apparently, he ran into a man who had lived in the next farm in the old country and he didn't recognize him at first.  He hadn't seen the man in over 70 years!.

There is a very small percentage of people with dementia who are physically aggressive.  Again, this is a very small percentage and sometimes it is because of the approach used by others.  Or, it could be due to a variation of their routine which causes them fear and anxiety. 

Dementia is a lot of things, but it is not a verb.  A person can not be demented.  They can live with dementia.  I appreciate that many suffer with dementia.  However, dementia can not be used in the past tense or the future tense or the past perfect tense, etc.  To say that your father is dementing would be grammatically incorrect. 

Often, people who use the term with incorrect grammar are doing a disservice to the disease.  It is a very serious disease which is costing our society billions, and experts are warning that this cost will exponentially rise with the passing years.  Aside from the very few who experience violence with the disease,  most people who challenge their caregivers have "responsive behaviors".  This means there behavior is in response to an unmet need.  They are tired, bored, hungry, angry, in pain or have some other issue that is causing them distress but they don't have the words to communicate this.  You meet the need and the "responsive behavior" disappears.  Believe me, I am not suggesting that this is easy. 

Yesterday, I was grocery shopping.  A gentleman actually knocked me down with his walker.  We were the only ones in the aisle so space wasn't the issue.  When I looked up, he laughed at me and said, "its not my fault, I'm demented."  Later I saw him at the checkout line.  There were only two cashiers and two very long lines.  We all were frustrated.  He cutted to the front of the line by saying, "I can't wait because I'm demented and will get violent." 

What a very sad day for dementia.  A serious disease used as an excuse for bad behavior.  Obviously, I was only seeing a snapshot of him, so I can't say for sure that he did not have dementia.  Regardless, this man was displaying bad behavior with no consequences.  That is generally not my experience with dementia.  Many become pleasantly confused. 

If you still have your wits about you, don't chose to be mean.  Someday it may not be your control.  While it is your choice, chose to be kind.  We have enough meanness in the world.

Make someone's day.  It is surprisingly simple, and you will actually end up being the one whose day is made.