The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants .........But, he's a Pisces!

Almost 9 years ago, I really liked this guy and wanted a relationship with him.  We were doing a dance, I think.  Both of us had been hurt in the past so we were acting like we were elementary students.  You know, when a guy likes a girl in elementary school, he pulls her pig tails and if she likes him back, she will punch him.  That kind of thing, only the adult version of that.  So, we were flirting (sort of) but everything said could be interpreted like we were heading to a relationship or could also be interpreted that we were firmly in the friend zone.  

So, one day, I got an email from this fellow perhaps asking me out, but perhaps not.  On the same day, I got an email from that guy in the picture asking me out on a date.  My work bestie, Kelly, was helping me navigate through this situation with the guy I liked.  We both agreed that his email could be interpreted both ways.  Then, she saw the email from the other guy.  She told me that I needed to go out with that guy.  The email was clear.  He was asking me out on a date.  No blurred lines.  Straight-forward.  He wanted to date me.  She said this was a sign and I should go out with the guy in the picture and forget the other guy.  It wasn't meant to be.  I said, "oh, Kelly, I don't know.  I've known him for four years and I don't really like much about him."  Kelly told me to give him a chance.  So, I did go out with him, because Kelly said so and Kelly was very wise.  

Then, Kelly had the nerve to move to BC and leave me.  Apparently, I didn't factor into the decision-making.  Her husband got a great job offer and it was best for their family.  Regardless, Kelly left me alone to navigate my romantic life.  I didn't know how I was going to cope.  

We were only two weeks into our relationship when I was seeing red flags.  I needed a new work bestie and I needed her quickly.  And, then I met Pooja.  Physically, she was perfect.  She looked like she just stepped out of a starring role in a Bollywood film.  She was smart, compassionate, and articulate.  All the things that I couldn't stand in a woman.  Yet, for some reason, the moment I saw her, we connected.  Somehow, we went from "pleased to meet you" to "can I confide in you?" in a few minutes.  

I told her about the red flags that I saw in the guy I had just start dating.  She listened and then asked me about his date of birth.  She waited while I called him to find out.  When I told her, she was excited.  He's a Pisces !!!  She was a Pisces.  She was equally excited to find out that I was a Libra.  She told me how much Pisces and Libra complement each other.  

I thought to myself, "you have got to be f___ing kidding me!!"

But, she wasn't and I was already committed to her being my work bestie so I listened.  She put his behavior in context, she told me not to give up on him because, after all, he's a Pisces.  

So, I listened.  

And, the red flags kept waving.  Then, they stopped waving and instead they were replaces by traffic calming circles.  You know, the roundabouts.  The things that make you deliberately slow down and evaluate.  I expanded my list of who I talked with about my "relationship".  All of my friends told me to end the relationship.  But, for some reason, I kept going back to his biggest defender, Pooja.  Pooja was his biggest fan and continued to remind me that, after all, he was a Pisces.  

The calming circles were replaced by speed bumps.  The speed bumps were replaced by three foot wide cement medians.  I hope you are getting the theme.  We have had some great times, but, mostly this relationship has been a lot of work.  

But, I've always gone back to Pooja and she has always reminded me that, after all, he's a Pisces.  

I have to admit that one of the appealing things about him when I entered the relationship is that he had not been married and had no children.  I thought he had no baggage.  Little did I know, he actually had the deluxe model leather 11 piece Samsonite set.  

I came to realize that, despite him being a Pisces, I wanted to be with him.  He volunteers for more organizations that I can count.  He loves my children.  He is having the time of his life being a grandpa.  It turns out the heart wants what the heart wants.  

The thing is we keep having the same fight over and over again.  It is exhausting.  And, there seems to be no end to it.  Everytime we fight about it, I tell him I can't have this fight again.  It is slowly killing me.  The fight was really bad last summer.  I actually couldn't breathe I was so upset and I ended up passing out.  I told him to call Pooja.  Pooja talked to him and he had to listen.  He knew that if it wasn't for Pooja, there wouldn't be a "we".  Then, Pooja talked to me.  Surprisingly, she said, after all, he's a Pisces.  

We continued on again.  Then, in December, things got really weird.  I'm pretty good at seeing weirdness coming, but this took me by surprise.  We were in a bad place.  I deliberately avoided talking to Pooja.  I didn't want to hear that he was a Pisces.  I wanted to figure out what my heart wanted.  I talked to someone else who told me that I have options.  9 years is a long time, especially when we have a grandson together, but it wouldn't be impossible for us to end.  Just honestly facing the very real possibility of us ending was very freeing.  I was starting to imagine how my life would look without him.  It wasn't a horrible picture.  I decided to put off making the decision.  

One thing that has always perplexed me in our journey is how the forces that are against us are so against my blog.  I don't understand why it is an issue to those forces.  I have been ordered that if I want to continue with my blog, I am not allowed to be critical.  

I don't know how many of you have ever raised a teenager, but for those that have, how has it worked out when you have ordered them not to do something?  Probably not well,  

Also, the suffrage movement started in a big way in Manitoba.  How would I pay homage to the brave women who fought for my vote if I allowed forces to stop me from blogging.  

I can see one side of their story.  My blog is about social justice.  What does it have to do with my personal life?  Well, with the greatest respect, if you understand social justice, you will understand it.  Our society has never experienced true social justice.  Mostly, because there are always forces who think they are above others.  There are always people who feel more worthy than others.  It happens at a macro level and it also happens at a micro level.  Simply put, if I stop being critical, I am not speaking my micro truth.  I am not contributing to advancing social justice.  

No significant change in society has ever come without a significant grass roots protest to pass change and to challenge the status quo.  You can't challenge the status quo without being critical.  Critique, in its truest from, is both positive and negative.  

Regardless,  No justice.  No peace.  

We had the fight again today.  I would give anything to say that this will be the last time.  It won't.  We are too flawed human beings in a relationship.  Pooja and Kelly want us to succeed.  Others, not so much.  Regardless of him being a Pisces and me being a Libra, we are going to stay together, for now.  

The heart seems to want what the heart wants.