New Year's Resolution - I want to have a shower


I haven't had a shower since 2003.  Ok, I will admit that when I took a cruise, I quickly hosed myself off.  You can ask my partner.  I was pretty much holding my breathe at the time and trying not to scream.  But, I haven't had a good shower since 2003.  I want to clarify that I bathe almost daily. 

A shower puts me in a manic state of anxiety.  It is a trauma trigger for me.  I wish I had more control of my body.  I wish I could tell my body that nothing bad is going to happen to me and my fear is irruational.  But, it is not irrational to my body.  I just can't have a shower. 

Don't get me wrong.  It hasn't affected my life too much as I do love my baths, however, every now and then I find myself in a situation that a bath is not an option.  Also, it would be nice to have a choice.  Showering is easier and quicker. 

And, to be honest, I am worried about my future.  I worry that I will find myself living in a personal care home and they will want to shower me. I worry that I won't be able to speak for myself and some health workers will come along and attempt to shower me.  My body will react and I will fight not to shower.  They will write in my chart that I refused and they may consider medicating me to control me.  They haven't met my body, which is strong and no matter how much medication you give me, you won't be able to control my body.  It still will fight when faced with the prospect of a shower.  It will be my body against my health care team at that point.  They will have more resources than my body and my body will lose.  It will have some awful consequences for me.  A long time later, someone will notice a distant reference to my having a phobia against showers.  It likely will be too late. 

It may not happen like that and I am being irrational.  It is not like personal care homes are in the news for neglect and acts of omission and commission. 

Regardless, I really want to have a shower. in 2019.  I am going to take this slow and work up to it.  I have a little plan.  First, I am going to stand in the bathroom with the shower running.  I will do that a few times until the anxiety goes away.  Then, I will stand in the bathroom with the shower running and the curtain open so that  I can watch the water.  And, so on.  I am confident that I will be able to have a shower this year, hopefully, many showers. 

It will be 16 years since I have had a shower.  It is time. 

However, it is a really really big resolution for me.  That is the funny thing about life.  You never know what someone is going through or what they are carrying.  I can probably do many things that others couldn't even imagine.  One year in my 20s, I resolved not to drink alcohol for a whole year.  The reason I decided this was for financial reasons.  I was saving for something.  I still went out with friends, etc.  I just put the money I would have spent on alcohol in a little jar.  At the end of the year, I didn't realize it was the end of the year.  What I was saving for had been bought in August.  \It was next April when I realized I still hadn't had any alcohol.  There are addicts that could not do what I did, but I did it.  But, then again, there are plenty of addicts who shower every day.  The thought makes me shiver. 

We all have things that seem insurmountable to us.  But, the path to recovery is the same.  We acknowledge we have a problem.  We sincerely want to change.  We get people to support us.  We develop a plan.  We expect set backs and we don't give up.  We ask for help.   Rinse.  Repeat.  Believe me, my plan is 16 years in the making.  This is the first year that I have even contemplated having a shower.  It won't be easy.  But, the only difference between me and an addict is that if my plan doesn't succeed, it won't affect my family and friends greatly. 

I hope that I can have a shower.  I know that I am going to sincerely try. 

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