Help Me As I Want To Be Helped

 

A little while ago there was a series of posts on social media from a very well-meaning woman who had come across a gentleman with no fixed address and she wanted to help him.  She wanted to collect blankets, snow shoes, warm outer clothing, etc to give to this gentleman.  Equally well meaning people offered to help with the items she suggested.  However, by the time she had these items collected, the gentleman was so where to be found.  She persisted and investigated further and found out the gentleman's name and where he usually chose to seek shelter.  She eventually found him and she taped her encounter with him.  

Many people watched the video and praised this woman immensely for taking it upon herself to help this man.  They were moved that there are good people in our city who are willing to go above and beyond to help someone in need.  

Other people watched this video and found it, frankly, cringe-worthy.  Those people found it self-serving and they did not find it appropriate to be filming this man when he was obviously at one of the low points of his life.  

The one thing that was apparent to me was that this man was not capable of giving informed consent to have himself video-taped to be shared on social media.  It actually made this man very vulnerable.  His location was disclosed, he was obviously not in a position to defend himself, and he had some new donations.  

Giving help to someone is more complicated than it seems.  When you give someone assistance, you usually feel so good about yourself that you want to share the experience to inspire others to help and get the same good feeling.  But, that begs the question, are you truly helping if you, as helper, as getting the most benefit from providing the help.  

I know I have been given assistance many times in my life.  Mostly, I have been grateful, but, there are times when I wish I didn't receive any help because the help I got was not the help I wanted.  The easiest way to think about it is think about a mother-in-law offering homemaking tips to their new son or daughter in law.  The mother-in-law is usually well meaning and just genuinely wants to help but the receiver often just views this as meddling and not supporting their own ideas.  Giving help is complicated.  

As I was thinking of this, I happened to run into my friend, Adam.  It seems strange calling him my friend anymore because I don't know if we are at this point.  Adam and his wife used to fill a nice foursome with my partner and I.  About three years ago, his life started going downhill.  Well, I guess if I had to be honest, I started noticing a few warning signs much earlier.  I ignored them because I didn't want to be impolite.  I often wonder if that made me a bad friend and that is I was a true friend maybe some early intervention could have helped.  Regardless, about a year before the pandemic, he lost his management job.  He actively has an addiction.  After he lost his job and used up all of the family savings and had some legal problems, his wife asked him to leave their home.  She ended up having to sell the home and move out of province with their two girls to make ends meet.  Adam couch surfed for a while at friends, including with us for a short time, but these arrangements never lasted and gradually he ran out of options so he lives on the streets.  A few years in, he has aged about 20 years and I barely recognise him.  

I have complicated feelings about Adam.  Now, I will always care for him, but, I am a little angry at him that he is no longer the friend that I used to have.  When I say he ran out of options, I mean he chose to be out of options.  There was a whole list of people who would be willing to get him into programs, or hire him temporarily, or whatever, but that is not the help that he wants.  He is not ready to get help with his addiction and until he does, no one can help him.  It seems obvious to everyone around him that he has an addiction, but, I guess it is not obvious to him.  

So, the times I have tried to help haven't worked.  Now, the few times I see him, I ask him how I can help him.  I have asked if he wants me to ignore him when I see him.  I have asked if he just wants me to take him for coffee and listen.  Of course, it is more difficult for him to figure out how he wants me to help.  He has now told me that he would like $100 whenever I see him.  

Back to me,  Well, to be honest, I don't see him that often so it is not like this would cost me more than $300/year, but, money is also tight for me, so it does seem like a lot of money that is probably not going to what I think would be a good purpose.  

But, part of asking the question, "how do you want to be helped" is having the understanding that it is a very difficult question to answer.  My friend answered how he wanted to be helped and I do care for him.  So, I feel I have to honour his request.  

Frankly, it is a bitter pill to swallow saying good-bye to my money.  But, it is the least I can do for him.  He is my friend.  Maybe someday he will want a different kind of help.  After all, he does know how to find me and he knows that I will help.  

So, as we enter the season of giving, please be inspired.  Please give to those who have not been as fortunate as you.  Give freely and give often.  But, along with your compassion, try to have empathy.  Help someone as they want to be helped and not as you think they need to be helped.  

And.

Thank you all for being well-meaning humans trying to help one another.