The Season of Brotherly Love

 A couple of years I read a facebook post of a friend that was like a gut punch to me.  My friend posted that his sister got a new job and he was proud of her.  It turned out the sister's new employer had an emotional connection for the entire family so this new job was especially meaningful for the brother.  

A brother expressing pride in his sister.  Something relatively common and unremarkable.  But, something that will never happen in my life.  

I have two brothers.  They are actually half-brothers.  We shared a father.  I don't know if that makes a difference.  I just always answer that I have two brothers and I know that I couldn't love them anymore than I do.  But, as Prince Edward said this summer, "families are complicated."  Anyone who has a family knows that this is an understatement.  Families are complicated.  

I have no relationship with either of my brothers.  I can't tell you how much this hurts.  I can also tell you that I take 100% responsibility for our relationship break-down.  It is so much easier for me to accept 100% of the blame.  Even though I have no contact with them, they are still my heroes and I hold on to this so for my own mental health, I can't allow myself to think anything bad about them and I can't allow myself to feel any negative emotions about them.  

I think, for their own reasons, they need to deny my existence because it is simpler for them.  I get it and luckily I was preparing for it my entire life.  Many times in my life, they have gone through periods where they deny my existence.  One time when I was a teenager, at a social gathering, my brother and I were having a conversation with a small group of people.  My brother was asked how many sisters he has.  He has 4.  He told the group that he had 2 sisters and told them the names of his sisters and a little about them.  I didn't make the cut.  

I sincerely hope both my brothers are living their best lives.  I think of them often as they are getting older and I wonder if they are still working, what is their marital status, how are their adult children, how is their health, heck, I even wonder what province they are living in.  It is unfortunate but I do not foresee any future where I can have these questions answered.  They are missing out on my endless hero-worshipping and I guess the craziness of my imperfect life.  The other big perk of a relationship with me is that I am the grandma of the most perfect grandson ever.  It is sad that they will never experience the joy that their great-nephew could bring them.  Again, I respect their choices. They all, after all, my heroes.  

But, I would be lying if I didn't say that getting to this place of radical acceptance wasn't quick or easy.  It took me a lot of time and energy to accept not having a relationship with my brothers.  

I have to tell you, though, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  It is hard as hell.  Especially this time of year.  Yes, it is the season of brotherly love but is the season where both my dad and one of my sisters went to heaven.  There is emphasis on family everywhere.  It is hard not having brothers, even though I have convinced myself that it is all my doing.  I am writing about this only as a cautionary tale for anyone who has a family.  Do not take your family for granted.  Love freely.  Forgive unconditionally.  Apologise for everything.  Just do whatever you can to hold on to your family.  Family isn't everything but it is pretty significant.  

A couple of years later, my friend's sister is still excelling in her job.  And, my friend is still proud of his sister.  I am immensely happy for them.