SIB

As we age, we face the possibility of many troubling medical diagnoses.  OA, AFib, COPD, HIV, GERD, CHF, AKA, Ca to name just a few.  However, I think there is another diagnosis that is equally troubling for our aging population.  It is the dreaded SIB:  Son In Basement.

Yesterday, comedy writers were given a gift on a silver platter.  Parents were in court facing their 30 year old son trying to get him out of their basement.  Close your eyes for a minute.  Imagine a 30 year old unemployed man spending his life in his parent's basement.  That is exactly what he looked like.  Equally sad is that he is a male with a pulse and lives in NY.  He might have a shot at being the next Bachelor.

I guess this is the new millennial reality.  A generation ago, parents would change the locks and leave the belongings out in the front yard.  Now, apparently parents and their children go to Court.

Unfortunately, it was really funny but equally tragic.  The saddest thing was that he kept referring to his parents as "those people".  The judge ruled in the parent's favor that they could evict him but didn't give a time frame and the son has indicated he will appeal.  I would hope all three of them are asking the same question that everyone else is asking, "How did we get here?"

I have several friends who have several generations living under one roof and do so quite successfully.  Whether it is healthy for an 30 year old man to be living in his parent's basement is an individual question and must be decided on a case by case basic.  It can work out fine.  It also can be unhealthy for everyone.  People have different parenting styles.  Some parents view themselves as "mama bears" who will always see their children as "cubs" and that their job in life is to protect their cubs at all costs and forever.  Other parents see themselves as Eagles prepared to push their babies out of the nest before they are ready.  They think this is for their own good to make them strong and independent.  There are merits for each style.

I still think going to Court and having a son refer to his parents as "those people" would not be the way anyone would want things to turn out.

We all know that there are atleast three sides to every story and it is often his side, her side, and the truth.  We don't know what really happened in this situation nor in any other family situation, but, we know that it always takes atleast two to tango.

When my marriage was in trouble, I used to call my brother for advice.  No, that's not true.  I called my brother to get him to agree with me.  After the second conversation, he was really tired of it so he said, "you know, you only get what you give."  My marriage didn't make it, but that piece of advice has resonated deep within me.  It really is so true.

When I was growing up, I was painfully shy.

About once a week or so, my mom and I would go shopping in our mall.  There was a Woolco store with a cafeteria style restaurant.  We would go there for coffee (for my mom to have a smoke, you could still smoke in restaurants then) and I would have a pop and something else.  Sometimes a piece of pie, sometimes fries with gravy, something like that.  My mom would give me the money and I would get the food.  For some reason, the cashier there was my nemesis.  I always felt she got my order wrong, charged me the wrong amount, didn't give me the correct change, etc.  One time she was particularly rude to me so I went to my mom to get her to take care of the situation.  It was a long time ago, but I remember specifically what she said.  "You have a mouth; learn to use it."  So, I shyly went back to the cashier to avenge my wrong.  I went and assertively communicated with that cashier and got no where.  But, I went back to my mom and I felt great.  Somehow I had found my voice.

My mother gave me the permission to be an assertive strong-willed woman and she also gave me the gift of her role-modeling in this regard.  So, it should have been no surprise to her that that is how I turned out.  However, when I was a teenager and a young adult, she wasn't happy with this.  But, hey, you get what you give.

If you don't give your child a model for solving conflict or if you pretend that conflict doesn't exist, you may get a son who thinks the only way to solve conflict is through Court involvement.  If you raise a child to live in fear, you will get a child who is scared all the time.  If you raise a child to be completely dependent upon you, don't be surprised when you get an adult who is completely dependent on you.

Usually, it is common sense but it often works that when the Court is involved, everyone loses.  I can't imagine that this house in NY is a happy one, regardless of the SIB.