Depression and Good News

This week I got some amazing news.  Exciting news.  News that will make a positive difference in my life. 

But, I live with depression.  Some people depression is sadness.  It is not, it is the absence of feeling.  My body has learned not to feel, not to react.  I also have anxiety, so I still am afraid of everything.  So, those are my two emotions; fear and the absence of feeling.  I have learned how to deal with fear and it is almost a familiar friend as at least I am feeling something. 

I know I should be happy and I'm not.  Well, I know I am happy just that I can't convince my body to show it.  Instead, my body makes me feel guilty that I'm not happy.  But, atleast, I am feeling something.  Actually, tired.  I have gotten used to fear and I have gotten used to feeling nothing.  Now, I am feeling exhausted.  Overwhelmingly tired.  But, unable to sleep.  If you can't sleep cuddling your grandson, you truly can't sleep. 

My partner tries not to judge and is very supportive.  That is almost worse.  But, its ok, I am judging myself enough for both of us. 

All because of good news.  How ironic.  How droll.  Send in the clowns.  Don't bother, they're here, and all of that. 

Depression.  Hard to understand.  Hard to support.  And, that is the ones living with it.  Much harder to understand and support someone living with it. 

All we can do is carry on and hope perchance to sleep.  And perchance to dream.  Forget that, perchance to wake up feeling something, preferably happiness. 

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