That's terrible......

I just read that a local Super 8 had a carbon monoxide leak and 46 people were hospitalized and I shared it with my partner.  His response, "That's terrible."  That seems like a normal response.

Then, why did it make me angry?  Yes, I was angry at his response.  He was expressing concern for 46 people he doesn't know.  I must be crazy.  Stipulated.  It was just bad timing.  He was expressing concern for 46 strangers but hasn't been expressing concern for me, his partner of 9 years.  No, that's wrong.  He has been expressing "lip service" that he was concerned about me.

Yeah, I know.  I mostly blog about how wonderful he is.  That's the thing.  He is a wonderful man.  He is a great grandpa.  That is one thing that he does consistently well.  He loves that little boy with all of his heart and soul.  I could tell you all of his positive attributes, and I have.  He has many.  He is a great partner to me, when it is easy for him.

I asked him to read what I have written so far.  Three times, I have asked.  He will when he has time.  He has to check his social media first.  It is just another small way for him to tell me that I am not important.

When it is easy, he treats me like a queen.  When it is a choice between me and a group of other people, he will always do what they want.  It is just little things.  He will lie to me about where he has been.  I have to check his phone everyday.  Yes, I am the crazy one, I am the emotionally needy one.  That is what they keep telling him.  And, other things.  They tell him all kinds of things about me and he believes them.  He never stands up for me.  Oh, that's not true.  When it is easy, he does it, or when I finally go off the deep end, he will.  Lip service.  I calm down and I am the one who ends up apologizing.

It is just this group of people who have such a powerful emotional hold over him.  Believe me, I don't blame this group of people.  I blame him.  He has chosen them over me.  I'm not critical of anyone.  I understand the complicated dynamics involved.  I can't help but think it is really my fault.  I can't help but think of the Sex and the City Movie.  The first one.  I think of two things.  Carrie clarifying how she is to Petrovsky.  She is a person who wants crazy all-consuming love.  That is me, too.  Perhaps I didn't clarify this.  Secondly, I think of my partner and him watching the Sex and the City movie.  He cries when watching it.  Yes, every single time.

And, I think how can you be angry at someone who cries at the Sex and the City Movie.  (everytiime).  Then, when I am feeling so angry and so defeated he goes out to a meeting that I wanted to go to just so he can tell me about it.  He is trying to love me in his own way.  Then, someone who I think has her priorities right tells me it is a pleasure to meet him.  Frankly, it is harder to kick him to the curb. 

And, then I update him on my daughter.  There are two things about my daughter that you have to understand.  First, she is amazing.  Truly, she is amazing.  Secondly, she is 22.  Like most 22 year olds, her life is full of drama, and this changes daily.  And, that's ok.  Most 22 year olds live the drama.  He listens intently and then he calls me from work to tell me he has continued to think and he has come up with some options to support her.  This is not his daughter by blood but he doesn't remember that.  He loves both my children completely.  Ok, I am not going to kick him to the curb, but, I am still angry. 

The group with the powerful hold is not happy either.  Apparently, they feel the same way I do.  They feel they are playing second fiddle to me.  However, unlike me, they have never watched the Sex and the City movie with him.  They have never seen him cry when he watches it.  (Every single time.)  So, for them, it is easy to kick him to the curb and they do it. 

Just when I lost confidence in the Universe to take care of things, just like that it is restored.  He is free.  Of course, we won't become the perfect couple overnight.  But, we have a chance.  Also, I know it is not over between them and there will be more drama.  But, there is another option that I had never considered.  They can kick him to the curb. In his own way, he was doing more than paying lip service to his commitment to me. 

So, for today atleast, things are not terrible........


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