Embarrassed, Ashamed, Humilliated

Embarrassed, Ashamed, and Humiliated.  That is how I left yesterday afternoon.  Unfortunately, I just let those emotions sit and didn't do anything about them for a few hours.  And because, negative emotions love each other, anxiety piled on.  Then, it was a real party, a real pity party.  But, I have learned that my anxiety lies.  It lies to me to make me feel worse.  Now, I don't want to knock my anxiety too much.  I know my anxiety is there to protect me from danger.  I know it triggers when there is a situation where I need to be wary.  When I am feeling good, I can say, "thanks anxiety, I know you have my best interest at heart, but I got this."  But, that is when I'm feeling good.  I wasn't feeling good yesterday, so my anxiety was all over it, making me feel awful. 

After feeling yucky for a couple of hours, I had a choice.  I could continue feeling yucky or I could use a thought record to help myself feel better.  When you are deep in negative emotions, it is almost like you are up against a wall.  You are so close to the wall, that your nose touches it.  When you look at the wall, all you can really see is the two by four inches right in front of you.  You lose perspective.  A thought record is what you can use to help you take a few steps back from the wall so that you can see more of the wall.   So, you can see more of the big picture. 

Let's see if this helps. 

Step 1:  Describe the situation (Objectively and Without Judgement)

My blog is now receiving enough traffic so start earning revenue by placing ads on my entries.  I went to check on my revenue and discovered that AdSense had suspended by account for one month due to suspicious activity on my part. They further went on that they would likely be clawing back some of the revenue earned. 

Step 2:  Identify and Rate Your Mood

Embarrassed   70%
Ashamed     90% 
Humiliated 90%
Anxiety 70%
Depression 80%

Note:  If I had done this exercise when it first happened, the percentages would have been much smaller but because I let them sit, they grew and got bigger.  This was likely because I was borrowing from past events and also borrowing from future events. 


Step 3:  Identify Automatic Thoughts or Images

I am a failure.
I will never be a writer
Everything I do, I suck at. 
I am good person, why do such horrible things happen to me? 
I never want to blog again. 
I am not good at anything. 
There is no point in having a dream of being a writer, it will never happen. 
Everyone will know and everyone will know how horrible I am. 
It is a slippery slope, now that my account is suspended, it will only be a couple of days until I am banned from the whole internet.
My life sucks. 

Step 4:  Facts that Support My Hot Thoughts

My Adsense account has been suspended for 30 days. 

Step 5:  Facts that do Not Support My Hot Thoughts

That one fact does not destroy all that I have accomplished in my life.  There are many things that I am good at. 
Someone that I don't even know messaged me and asked me how long I had been a writer, so people already view me as a writer. 
I don't suck and I have the greatest grandson in the world who loves me so I can't suck that much.
This really is not a horrible thing.  I was making approximately $2.00/day on my blog..  And, I had ramped up my entries to get that revenue.  $60.00/month is not going to make any difference in my life.  This is good, now, I can go back to the original purpose of my blog, to be a social justice warrior. 
Social justice is under attack in our society right now.  It is more important that I focus on that rather than revenue from my blog. 
Andrew was telling me that I was getting obsessed with my blog to the detriment of other things that are actually important in my life. 
I am good at things and I have folders of symbols of my accomplishments. 
The goal for my blog for 2018 was 46,500 views.  I am close to doubling that. I have revised by goal to 100,00 views and am on track for achieving that. 
The suspicious activity that they are alleging is clicking on my own ads.  I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to do that.  I didn't read the fine print and they were ads that I was actually interested in.  The point is, I didn't commit a crime, I merely clicked on an ad here and there. 

Step 6: Balanced, Realistic or Objective Thoughts

This suspension will last 30 days or longer.  Either way, it does not define me as a person.
I do want to be a writer and have support to chase this dream.  I may not be successful, but, I am still a good person with more stories to tell and lessons to teach. 
The positive messages I have gotten on some of my blog entries are priceless to me. 

Step 7:  Rate How You Feel Now

Anxiety 20%  - Ah, you are always there, aren't you?  Well, 20%, I can handle.  After all, anxiety, I know you have intentions of keeping me safe. 

Love/Pride - 80% - I have a sweetie who worships the ground I walk on'; two amazing adults that I have created who make me very proud; and I have the worlds most perfect grandson, and I have wonderful friends.  And, I love to laugh.  Geez, anxiety, if I could ever just get rid of you, I'd have a little more room.

Determination - 75% - I am determined to go out and do well at one of my hobbies to prove that I am skilled.  Also, this means this is not the end of my dream, I have to keep pursuing it through channels that will actually allow me to earn money from writing. 

Well, that was actually pretty simple and pretty effective.  I am sorry I waited several hours before doing that process. 

I tell you, negative emotions sure love each and look for every opportunity to pile on when you're down.  You can challenge them.  We all negative emotions and we allow them to get bigger.  In reality, they are thoughts inside you.  You can replace them with other thoughts, more balanced and positive thoughts.  We don't have to castrophize every negative thought.  By having more positive thoughts and accumulating positive emotions, well, that is the first step to building a life worth living.