This will never appear about me

7

I saw this a few months ago.  A mother-in-law had posted it about her daughter-in-law.  I thought it was such a beautiful sentiment.  I know the sentiment behind it will never apply to me.  I wish it didn't hurt so much, but, it just hurts.

Technically, she is not my mother-in-law as we are not legally married, but we have been continuously cohabitating for longer than 24 months. We are considered spouses in the eyes of the law and in the eyes of almost everyone who knows us.  But, she is holding on to that technicality.  My partner brought him to my workplace once.  He felt that if she could see me in action, so to speak, she might have some respect for me.  I introduced her to one of my colleagues as my mother-in-law.  She quickly corrected me and stated indignantly that we were not related in any way.  I don't remember her exact words, but I remember what I heard.  I heard that I am nothing to her.  I wish it didn't hurt so much, but it just hurts.

It didn't hurt so much when my mother was alive.  My mother and I didn't always have a perfect relationship but I never doubted for a second that she loved me.   Not only did she love me, but she loved everything about me.  That included my sweetie.  The first time they met, my sweetie extended his hand to shake and my mom ignored that and hugged him.  She hugged him every opportunity she had and told him every time she saw him how loved he was.  Now, that my mother is gone, the contrast between my mother and her are striking.  When my mother passed, I received so many expressions of sympathy and condolences.  I didn't even get a card from his family.  I know one brother told my sweetie on the phone, "extend to her our sympathies."  This is how I am treated in the family.  I don't warrant personal contact.

He has two brothers.  I have talked to each of them on the phone once.  Both times, I answered my sweetie's phone while he was driving.  Both times, they were completely disorientated and didn't know who would be answering his phone.  But, they are busy men.  They certainly don't have time to think that their brother might have a partner.

When we got engaged, we went to tell his mother and show the ring.  She looked at the ring (from afar, of course, she wouldn't actually touch my hand) and then looked at my sweetie, then looked at the ring, and then looked him in the eye and said, "you spent too much money on her."  I can't make this stuff up.  (For the record, it was a ring that I inherited.  I guess I am pretty childish, as well, since I am letting her think that he spent money on me.) I wish it didn't hurt so much, but it just hurts.

We were driving her home on the weekend and my partner said something nice about me.  She literally threw a temper tantrum.  She started shaking her fists and stamping her feet and yelled, "stop it, stop it, I don't want to hear this."  I wish it didn't hurt so much, but it just hurts.

I try to have a sense of humour about it.  Hasn't worked so far, but I'm still trying.

I've tried searching for the positives signs.  One thing, in 8 years, I have gone from "that wretched woman" to just "that woman".

I've tried lowering the bar.  In 8 years, I've gone to a lot of birthday parties.  I said I would be satisfied if just once, she could inquire when my birthday is or even how old I am.  Still waiting.

I wish it didn't hurt so much, but it just hurts.  My friends ask me why I give her so much power and why I allow her to hurt me so much.  Then, I realize I haven't explained myself properly.  She doesn't hurt me at all.  The person who hurts me so much is my sweetie.  How can he allow be to be treated with such disrespect?  How can he say he loves me when he obviously doesn't value me.  I don't blame them.  They have no role model indicating that I was chosen to be loved, cherished, and valued.

I wish it didn't hurt so much, but it just hurts.