Suicide Prevention Day
I first became aware of the term when I was a little girl. Friends of my parents lost their son to suicide. I didn't know his name but he affected my life. At that time, when a family experienced a death, you brought them a casserole. My mom really disliked cooking, so she usually opted for a store bought cake. On that day, she had phoned a friend and got her favorite casserole recipe. My mom concentrated like I never saw her before and I thought there was sweat on her brow. It turns out, it was tears. I didn't know what type of disease suicide was but I knew it had to be pretty serious. I went with my mom to take the casserole over and the mom answered the door. She was crying uncontrollably and called her husband to the door as well. The three of them cried and cried and held each other. I had never seen an adult man cry. Here was this man completely broken with grief. I knew him as he curled with my dad. He had even given me heck a couple of times when I had misbehaved at the curling rink. It was a different time and all parents agreed on what was acceptable and unacceptable behavior and if you weren't behaving according to this code, any parent had the responsibility to point out that behavior. So, to me, he was a tall intimidating man yet there he was standing in front of me overcome with acute grief.
After we left, I asked mom to explain suicide. After she did, I was sorry I asked as I was in the middle of a happy childhood, and I didn't want to know that my world could include suicide. I thought for a long time and I couldn't get the image of his grieving parents out of my mind. I asked my mom why this young man died by suicide when he was obviously so loved. My mom told me that suicide was one of those things that didn't make sense. I asked my dad and he looked at me and he started crying. I had never seen my dad cry. I asked him if he knew the boy. He didn't but a suicide was something that affected all of us.
I know it affected me. I never looked at those parents in the eye again. I know that was wrong but I just felt so badly for them and I never knew what to say. Worse than that, the young man had a sister who was my friend. She was also there crying when my mom and I dropped off the casserole. I never knew what to say to her, so I said nothing. Time passed and it became even more awkward for me to express my condolences so I never did. Because I never expressed my sympathies, I started avoiding her just because I didn't know what to say.
That was a heck of a long time ago. I wish I could say that was my only experience with suicide but unfortunately I have known others who have died by suicide.
I have learned that there is never a "perfect thing to say". I have also learned that most times you don't have to say anything. You just have to be there. That shows you care and that is most important.
There was a time in our society where we tried to pretend that suicide didn't exist. It wasn't mentioned in obituaries or talked about. We assumed that a person contemplating or attempting was just trying to get attention so we responded by giving them none. Times have changed, thank goodness. Perhaps we still have a way to go as we are currently struggling with deciding the best language to use. Regardless, too many people are still dying by suicide.
Don't be like I was. Don't avoid. Just be there. Be the type of friend that people know that they can call at 3:00 am and you will be there for them.
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