This is What Depression Looks Like


This is what depression looks like for me.  It looks a lot like I look like all of the time.  Yesterday was a rough day.   For me depression and anxiety translate to an incredible fear of everything and an incredible fatigue.

I am prepared for days like yesterday.

I have a giant collage of everything that I am grateful for.  I start counting my blessings.  Sometimes that works and I am overwhelmed with gratitude and I am able to carry on.  Sometimes it doesn't work.   It makes me feel worse.  How can I feel depressed when I have so much to be thankful for.  Now, I can add guilt. 

I take medication daily and I have a great therapist. 

I have lots of mindfulness apps on my phone.  I do mindfulness practices to help me stay rooted in the present.  It usually works, but sometimes it doesn't. 

I also have a positive affirmations binder.  It contains great thoughts and also souvenirs of things that I have done that I am proud of.  It usually motivates me.  But, sometimes it doesn't. 

I know that I need to fight the urge to do nothing and a walk in the fresh air will help.  I start by brushing my teeth.  I have to psych myself up to brushing my teeth.  It takes me about twenty minutes from the time I decide to brush my teeth till the time I finish.  I'm exhausted and I can't even explain it.  I just feel heavy.  I lay down.  Eventually, I fight to get myself dressed. I go outside for a walk.  It is a beautiful day and I hear birds singing.  Every step I take is difficult and I am barely plodding.  I look around and no one is watching me.  I feel like there are a thousand people watching me and they are all laughing at me. 

I go back inside and become glued to my couch.  I am so tired.  Completely fatigued.  This is what I get for going out yesterday.  And, I am scared of everything.  This is what depression looks like. 

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